


untainted.

by arrowtomyheart



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Car Accidents, Character Death, Dark Past, Depressed Harry, Depression, Famous Harry, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, How Do I Tag, M/M, Non-Famous Louis, Original Character-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Third Person, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Top Harry, Top Louis, they share that really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-05-29 16:10:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 42,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6383425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrowtomyheart/pseuds/arrowtomyheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles-World famous pop-star, living a lie.</p>
<p>He loses his best friend in car accident which makes him realize how short life can be, which leads to depression and he leaves everything behind to go home.</p>
<p>Louis Tomlinson-Ex football player, guy with dark past.</p>
<p>He loses faith in himself after inexplicable turns of events makes him lose everything he had over the night. He decides to look for answers where it all started, his childhood home.</p>
<p>Two worlds will meet in the place they call home. Will they learn to accept the dark and the light within each other through struggles to become one?</p>
<p>Time is their worst enemy to figure it out.</p>
<p>
  <strong>A/N: Untainted is officially on hiatus.</strong>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Worlds biggest Pop-star.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> It's been a WHILE since I posted something originally written by me (and I'm talking years here?) so here I am doing what I love to do and I have chosen to share it with you.
> 
> First of all I want to THANK two very, very, very beautiful people for helping me out and getting this fiction on the road that is ao3, [lalalaartje](http://lalalaartje.tumblr.com/) and [rainbowswarriors](http://rainbowswarriors.tumblr.com/) THANK YOU! 
> 
> Second of all I want to thank every single one of you who is going to follow this story. I have had it in my head for a while so let me know how you feel.
> 
> I have also made a trailer for this story. You can watch it [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/140211004319/harry-styles-world-famous-pop-star-living-a-lie) and follow the tag [untainted](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/untainted/) on Tumblr for all things this fic.
> 
> I'll post this work weekly. So every Monday, new chapter.
> 
> **Note:** This is a work of fiction and it's all made up, apart from the character names. I also don't know what REALLY goes on behind the scenes at tours and by what rules music industry works. My work, my rules!
> 
> **Warning:** As implied in the summary one of the characters die. If it's very sensitive subject for you, please proceed with caution! I will note in which chapters to look out for triggering things.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** Once again. This is fiction. 100% NOT true and made up. While it's still based on real personas names, in no way I imply that I know their behavior or their reactions on certain things in real life.

****

**a/n: Hello. Before you proceed with this story Please take a note that it ends on chapter 8 and chapter 9 is A/N of this story being on HIATUS.** _Thanks xxx_

**5th of January, Kansas City**

“Kansas Citayyyyy!” Harry shouts into the microphone, grinning as he is met by thousands of fans screaming back at him. He nods impressed and reaches for his water bottle.

He loves singing, he loves to be on stage every night and feel the energy around him. He gets this excitement and adrenaline every time he is on stage and it feels like there are no rules, he can be free and who he truly is just there. He doesn’t want to change it for anything else in the world.

“How ya doin?” He shouts still grinning and the answering screams get louder. He notices a fan frantically gesturing with her arms at him and like in any other concert Harry gives her his attention.

“Huh? What?” Harry laughs amused, shaking his head and looking at how the fan continues to gesture something.

“You are pointing, but you aren't saying anything.” Harry says to the fan and starts to impersonate the fan jumping up and down while pointing to herself. “Me! Me!” Harry stops and looks at the fan again, “I don’t know what you want,” he says as serious as he can without laughter escaping his lips.

He jumps again and can’t stop laughing while pointing at himself, saying, “Me! Just Me!”

He uses the moment to drink from the bottle he is holding and then throws it into the crowd. It causes some of the fans literally fight for it. He looks surprised at the fans, says apologetically, “There’s a ruckus, oh there’s a ruckus, sorry.”

He walks to the other side of the stage to give everyone a bit of his attention. He takes the microphone stand and is about to walk away, but last minute Harry turns around again.

“Well, you have to be more clear,” he says to the fan and then pauses to gauge her reaction.

“ME! Just, just give it to me,” he runs around pointing at himself, “Me.”

He smiles when fans cheer again.

“Kansas City!” Harry repeats listening to thousands of screams. He makes an appreciative sound in the mic and continues. “Erm, thank you very much for such a warm welcome, thanks for having me here, you’ve been absolutely incredible so far. I’d like to please-“ Harry stops halfway through his speech noticing another fan, he points at her ”I don’t know what those dance moves are, I-I don’t know,” he shrugs.

Another fan says something to Harry but he can’t quite understand. Harry questions, “sorry? So, are you having a good time?” Harry smiles skipping his eyes over the never ending sea of faces.

Fans scream again and Harry notices an old man smiling at him, soon after the man's face pops up on the big screen behind him, sending his fans into a frenzy.  

“What?” Harry looks at yet another fan, leans in to try and understand what she yells. “What you sayin?” He keeps looking at her. “Closure?” Harry wonders. “Ogier?” He says and fan screams in approval. “Take me- what?” Harry looks at fan puzzled, but he already knows what she means. She is probably talking about Hozier’s Take me to church that is Harry’s one of favourite songs out there now, but he loves playing these guessing games with his fans. He smiles and gives her a thumbs up.

“You need to calm down,” Harry continues making fans laugh. “You need to stop that right now!” He says imitating strict fathers voice making the crowd scream and laugh at the same time.

“It’s a family show,” Harry continues serious, “Or is it?” he questions turning around with mischievous grin and the noise crowd makes going only louder.

“It is!” Harry yells over the screams of fans. “Of course it is,” he continues combing through his hair, small grin on his face.

Harry takes a moment and then continues, “Alright, everyone needs to chill...out,” he says as seriously as he can and points around.

“Kansas City will ya’ll please listen to me,” he pauses, fans scream. “Shh!” he says in his microphone opening his arms. “Just for a second. Only if you want to, you gonna have to, whatever, you can do what you want, really.” He continues and lifts his hands up like he always does before his last song.

“Please, put your hands in the air.” He watches his fans raise their hands. “Oh that was fast,” Harry says surprised taking a moment to comb through his hair.

 “That was, that was really good.” He looks at the projecting screen and sees that everyone raises hands. Harry looks around just to make sure. “Now, I’d like you to clap your hands together like this-“ He is interrupted when notices some fans starting to clap. “Wait till I-“ he gestures. “I know it’s a bit weird, but... pretend like you are having fun,” he cuts off seeing that now more and more fans have started clapping. Harry knows that they've probably seen this exact thing on YouTube and know what Harry will ask from them.

 “No, that’s wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, no...” he points at different fans clapping, playing along and looking at them in disappointment.

He sighs into microphone acting impatient. “hands up!” he starts clapping a beat and soon enough fans start to clap along with Harry. “Stop!” Harry says and the fans stop. “Hands down,” Harry continues watching them do what he tells them.

 “Ohh,” Harry exclaims surprised, “This will get fun. Hands up!” Harry yells again. “Hands down,” the fans raise their hands and lower them again to follow his orders. “Hands up! Hands down! Scream if you want me to go fasteeeer!” Harry sings and fans scream.

Harry laughs. “It doesn’t go any faster!” he looks around smiling, “This isn’t a ride!” he continues and then pauses, “Or is it?” Harry teases making fans scream again.

“Hands up!” Harry yells again, he rakes his hand through his hair and starts clapping again, the fans following suit.

“Hands down!” Harrys band starts beatboxing along the rhythm. “Now stomp your feet on the very same beat,” Harry says and knows that camera has switched to his boot cladded feet to show it on the screens.

“Stomp your feet to the very same beat,” Harry repeats turning serious and stomping beat with his boot hearing fans repeat. “Now, when I ask you to, I would like you to clap your hands together, stomp your feet and dance like you never danced before.” He says taking microphone and walking across the stage to another side.

“You could do it because you want to and because you are the nicest people in the world,” Harry says, meaning every word and making the fans scream. “Not because I asked, just cause you feel like it. This is through the dark, thank you everyone for being here tonight! All the love!” Harry announces the last song on his set list and the beat kicks in, making everyone scream.

He is singing the song he knows like the back of his hand. The song he remembers writing late in the evening while sitting outside on his porch. He remembers that day clearly enough, it was the day when his management team forced him to go out with Taylor. It’s not like he despises or hates her, just, it hurts to see headlines after those outings and pap walks. He has tried to go against his PR team and management and turn the questions in interviews in his favour, but they always manage to cut the parts out that they don't like. He has implied more than once that he might be gay, just to make them talk and every single concert he finds a rainbow flag to wave about on stage. So he wrote this very same song for his fans that are always there no matter what, showing their support and love, carrying him through fire and water, through the dark that has become his life.

The crowd before him sings along knowing every word and it makes the moment a little more special, knowing that they understand, that they can tell he wants to be free. Always wanted to, ever since he remembers.  He knows that he probably won’t see these faces again until his next tour, but it doesn’t make the moment less special.

He finishes his song taking a bow in front of the crowd and looking at his fans one last time  before he runs off the stage.

“Mate that was sick!” Harry’s body collides with his best friend Jeff.

He’s been with Harry on tour ever since he started doing it. They have grown to be as close as brothers and every time Harry is seen out with Jeff, media likes to add more fuel to the rumours that Harry might be switching teams as Jeff’s father is the head of his own management.

Jeff is also the best support system Harry could have on tour. He always been there with Harry on each stunt, just to take Harry away the minute they're done. He has said more than once that Harry should just leave, but that was easier said than done. He would leave if he could, but he had a contract to fulfil first and by releasing his last, 5th album it would finally be over and if it meant waiting just a couple of months instead of years, he was fine with that as the majority of the album was written already.

“Thank you,” Harry smiles hugging Jeff closer. They have made hugging something like their thing. Every time Harry came off the stage he fell straight into Jeff’s arms. He helps Harry to come down from his high that he has from being on stage. Jeff’s arms makes him feel grounded.

“You okay?” Jeff asks once more clapping on Harry’s back and retreating.

“Yeah,” Harry nods and sighs.

“C’mon let’s go, get you out of here,” Jeff says pulling Harry's hand.

Harry still grins following Jeff outside where the black van is already waiting for them. As soon as the door closes behind Harry he feels tiredness crawling up his spine.

“Hey H, you okay?” Jeff asks nudging Harry in the thigh with his knee.

“Yeah, just... I feel so tired all of a sudden,” Harry explains yawning and sits up. “Okay, what’s up?” He questions rubbing at his eyes.

“You are off tomorrow right?” Jeff asks looking through his phone.

“Mhm,” Harry mumbles and nods.

“Do you wanna go sightseeing? We are in Kansas after all, the city of fountains. Might as well check it out,” Jeff says far too excited.

“Yeah, that would be great,” Harry smiles at his friend. He feels a little bad for not being as excited, but decides to blame it on his tiredness. He hears Jeff talking to him about the places and Jazz history in this city until his voice becomes more distant and disappears all together.

**6th of January, Kansas City**

He wakes up in his hotel room, the sunlight reflecting off the glass table top into his face. He groans hiding under the duvet trying to remember how he ended up in his hotel bed.

Every morning after a concert he feels hungover. He despises the light and feels like a ton of bricks has been thrown at him.

He hears the loud buzz of his phone against the bedside table and with another groan he reaches for it.

As it turns out it’s a message from his PR that he'll be flying out to LA to have dinner with Kendall.

“Fuck,” Harry swears realising that he will have to fly out to LA and then to Chicago the next day to continue his tour. He remembers last night; didn't Jeff say something about sightseeing?

“Fucking bastards,” Harry groans, his mood dropping.

At moments like these he wishes he could leave right away. His current management is doing every possible thing to ruin Harry’s last months before the album drops.

Somehow they were informed that Harry is leaving and possibly joining Jeff’s fathers team, so they do every possible thing to make Harry miserable.

They are also a bunch of homophobes. Ever since Harry has implied that he wants to come out no matter what it would mean to his career, they do every possible thing to make Harry look as straight as the Eiffel Tower. This week alone they have released dozens of articles through different media outlets that Harry and Kendall are looking for a house together to take their relationship to the next level.

There is a part of Harry’s fans that believe every single word they write and there is a part, a quite large one who believes it’s not real. They believe that Harry picking up the rainbow flag has a meaning, that he is trying to tell something by supporting openly gay sports players during his concert.

Harry is trying and he hopes they receive the message.

_Hi, I have bad news :( can’t go sightseeing, PR flying me out to LA..._

Harry writes to Jeff and already feels bad that he won’t be able to see anything from Kansas and spend his day off between concerts with his friend just because of his management.

**_You serious??? Fuck. Well... I’m not staying here without you. You’ve got company my friend. When is the flight?_ **

Harry receives answer from his friend instantly and it makes him feel a little better knowing that Jeff is going with him and at least somebody understands how he feels.

He sends the flight details to Jeff and gets out of the bed to get ready. He wants this day to be over as soon as possible.

**6th of January, Los Angeles**

** **

“Hi,” Harry smiles hugging Kendall.

Even though they have this fake relationship between them, because of media they have become quite close friends. Kendall knows about Harry’s sexuality and every time Harry is asked to show affection to her or kiss her in public for pictures, she sides with Harry against that and Harry is grateful to her for doing it.

“Hey, good to see you,” Kendall smiles and hugs Harry. “Hi Jeff,” she says and hugs Jeff after.

Nobody told Harry he couldn't take Jeff with him, so they decide to rebel against PR. When they arrived at the restaurant, Kate, the woman organising all stunts, was more than shocked to see both of them.

“How was your show last night? Heard it was sick!” Kendall asks taking her seat at the table, Harry and Jeff joining her.

“Yeah, it was incredible, loudest crowd so far,” Harry says excited.

“He says that after every show,” Jeff interjects and all three of them laugh.

In moments like these Harry wishes that he had met Kendall under different circumstances, but anyway he'll keep their friendship alive once he leaves his management.

“Where are you going next?” Kendall asks reaching for her drink.

“Chicago tomorrow, and then New York, I think,” Harry says brushing his hand through his hair.

“When are you in New York?” Kendall asks fixing her long dark hair, “I have a runway show there so maybe I could come watch the show, bring some of my friends. We could go out afterwards, if you want? Take Jeff with you?” she adds excited and Harry can see her planning the day already.

“Erm, I think,” Harry mumbles, all those dates made a big mess in his head.

“10th January,” Jeff says taking a sip and wiggling his eyebrows above the rim.

“Yeah, what Jeff said,” Harry chuckles elbowing Jeff, making him almost spit his drink.

“Perfect!” Kendall exclaims in excitement rubbing her hands together. “There is this gay bar in New York, cool place,” she adds.

“You sure about that?” Harry asks already knowing what she has in mind.

“Yeah, hundred percent! Let’s give them something to write about, shall we?” She winks at Harry from across the table.

“Did I already tell you how much I like this girl?” Jeff says too loudly to Harry, pointing at Kendall.

“You better hope Glenne doesn’t hear any of this,” Harry laughs looking at Jeff and Kendall who blows a kiss Jeff’s way.

“You wouldn’t dare mate, I have so much dirt on you, you wouldn’t risk it,” Jeff says in all seriousness which doesn’t last too long until he bursts out laughing.

“Oh! Do tell!” Kendall shouts and scoots closer to Jeff over the table.

“I surrender,” Harry says lifting his arms and shifting away from Jeff.

The waiter comes on later so they order their food and eat. They talk a little more about Harry and how it’s been on tour so far. Kendall tells them about her modelling and how excited she is for her first Victoria Secret runway show next month. It’s always been her dream and now she will get to live it.

After they have finished with their food and drinks they head out. All three of them make their way to the car and the paparazzi flashes are so bright Harry feels like he is going to get blind. He hears them shout all kinds of things about him and Kendall as he makes his way to the car.

Harry climbs in behind the wheel, Kendall taking the seat next to him and Jeff climbing in the back.

The flashes still go on as Harry drives out of the parking lot and it almost makes him want to push down the gas and hit some of them just to make a point. He grips the wheel driving slowly past them and as soon as they get on the road he pushes his foot down and they speed away.

“God, how I hate them,” Harry mumbles his eyes on the road.

“Yeah, the pap’s they get for stunts are the worst, fucking assholes,” Kendall adds taking out her phone and typing something.

“Agreed, where do you want me to drop you off?” Harry asks relaxing a little.

“At my mom’s if you don’t mind,” Kendall says reaching out and turning on Harry’s sound system.

“Sure,” Harry says. As soon as he hears the first beats of the song he remembers that he has his demo cd in and the song playing right now is the one he hasn’t got the lyrics to yet. Almost all of his 5th album songs are ready except for this. Sometimes he thinks he should just give up on this song, but there's something about him that makes him want to keep it on the album.  It’s very different from all the others he’s written, it’s mostly on piano and very slow and lyrical, a real ballad, but the theme of it just has to be written.

“Wow, what’s this song?” Kendall asks after listening to it for a while.

“It’s a demo, I haven’t written the lyrics for this one yet and people at the record company are giving me a hard time about it,” Harry says watching the darkness outside his car window.

“I already can tell this is going to be good, I love it!” Kendall exclaims smiling appreciatively.

“I told him the same thing, it sounds completely different from what he always has written. It’s gonna be big,” Jeff adds leaning forward and Kendall jumps, having forgotten completely that he was in the car.

“Jesus, stop creeping up like that,” she shrieks and laughs swatting Jeff on the shoulder.

“That’s what I do best,” Jeff laughs and Harry’s demo changes to one of his other songs. “Yes! Did I say how much I love this tune? I think you should consider it the first single,” Jeff exclaims as soon as his favourite song blasts through the sound system.

“What is this? Why haven’t I heard these new songs?” Kendall says acting hurt, but still smiling.

“Never Enough,” Harry and Jeff says in unison.

“Is it the new album you have there?” Kendall asks.

“Yeah, new album in the making more like, it’s not final yet,” Harry says while turning his car on the road Kendall’s mother lives.

“This is so good though, can I have these? My friends have to hear them and some extra promo won’t hurt you, right?” Kendall teases typing something on her phone.

“Sure, just don’t put them or send anywhere, don’t want them leaking before the album is even ready,” Harry smiles, “okay, here we are,” he stops at the large gate in front of Kendall’s mother's house.

“Woah, thank you H, I’ll see you soon,” Kendall says unbuckling her seatbelt and leaning over to give him a hug. “See you too Jeff, keep an eye on my boyfriend,” she waves at Jeff and laughs loudly while climbing out of the car.

Both of them tell her bye and make their way to the hotel Harry’s staying at. Harry would rather stay at his house in LA, but the hotel was closer to the airport and he had a flight early tomorrow morning.

He misses his own bed and familiar surroundings the most when he is on tour. He misses those quiet mornings he can have to himself with a cup of coffee and a sunrise over his back lawn. On tour it’s always so hectic that he longs for a place he can just be alone for a moment, just him and his leather bounded diary.

They arrive at the hotel shortly before midnight having listened to Harry’s new songs on the way there. They feel too tired to talk or do anything else and silently agree to go to bed.

As soon as Harry’s head hits the pillow he dozes off into a dreamless sleep.

**10th of January, New York**

“All the love! Thank you!” Harry says into his microphone while blowing a kiss to his fans. He bows one last time in front of the crowd and makes his way off the stage.

He feels like electricity is running through his body from the adrenaline and once again he heads straight into Jeff’s arms as soon as he sees him. This time he isn’t alone, his girlfriend Glenne is with him and Harry grins wider when he sees her.

“Hi, God, I forgot how much I missed you,” Glenne says once Harry hugs her.

“Me too, it’s been ages Glenne,” Harry says still hugging her close. Just like Jeff she feels like a sibling to Harry. Harry considers that she might be even closer to him than Jeff, because there are things that Harry has told her Jeff doesn’t even know about.

She understands Harry a little better too, maybe because she is a woman and they aren't afraid to show emotion and that makes Harry and her bond over other things.

And it’s always good to have someone outside the stunt and touring circle, someone who wouldn’t be afraid to tell things as they are just to make Harry feel better.

“How are you? Is Jeff behaving?” She asks holding Harry at arm's length.

“I am alright given the circumstances,” Harry smiles shrugging a little, “and yes, he’s been a good boy,” he adds t,urning to look at Jeff and winking at his friend.

"That's all I need to hear,” Glenne smiles linking her arm around Harry’s waist. “So I’ve heard we are going big tonight?” She laughs and all three of them head out.

As much as Harry enjoys being in stage, this time he almost felt a little too excited and couldn’t wait for when the concert was over. He was waiting for this day all week, not just because after this exact concert he has four days off and he will finally be able to spend them home in LA, in his own bed, but because of the night out in New York with his closest friends.

He can’t remember the last time he could relax and go out without it being a stunt or a sea of pap’s waiting for him. He will finally be able to be himself around people he loves and then have a few relaxing days after for himself back at home.

~

“Let’s have a toast to friends in New York!” Kendall shouts over the loud music and their group of friends cheers loudly.

Harry laughs and he can’t stop smiling tonight, his cheeks hurt and he feels like any second he won’t be able to feel them, but it’s worth it, every second of this, is worth it.

He looks around at Glenne and Jeff, at Kendall and her closest friends from model industry. She is celebrating tonight as well as her runway show was successful.

Harry wants to remember this night with his friends for the rest of his life.

Harry wraps one of his hands around Jeff and pulls him and Glenne in the group hug. He can feel the alcohol numbing his senses and making him sappy.

“I love you guys, so much,” Harry says not caring how silly he probably sounds.

“We love you too Harry, how much drinks did you have?” Glenne laughs rubbing her hand against Harrys back.

“I stopped counting after four,” Harry giggles and they must look silly all three huddled together making their own little circle.

“Aw you loof,” Glenne says and then another pair of hands land on Harry’s shoulders.

“What are you guys planning without me? I feel left out!” Kendall laughs joining them. “C’mon guys we have a little ride waiting for us outside,” she adds already grabbing Harry by the hand and all three of them follow Kendall out with their hands linked.

As it turns out the ride Kendal’s been talking about is the little boat that carries tourist around the river during the day. Kendall has rented it out for their own private tour at night and Harry can’t thank her enough for that.

They travel around the river stopping at random spots and taking pictures, they say toasts and dance making the boat sway a little, but Harry thinks it’s more likely from the waves. They stop at the Statue of Liberty and take a group picture once again.

~

“Hey,” Glenne says behind Harry’s back.

Harry turns around smiling at her and taps the bench next to him.

They stopped at the coast and decided to occupy the outside tables of some café to continue drinking and chat.

At one moment Harry decided to walk down and sit by the river, have a little space to take everything in.

“Hi,” Harry responds while Glenne sits down next to him and both of them watch the river in silence, just the distant voices of their friends laughing and chatting in the background.

“What’s up?” Glenne asks placing her head on Harry’s shoulder.

“Nothing, I guess,” Harry sighs, “just thinking,” he adds after a moment.

“What’s on your mind, H?” She asks nudging Harry’s shoulder with her chin.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but sometimes I look at you and Jeff and-“ Harry starts and falls quiet just listening.

“And what?” Glenne questions sitting straighter and turning to face Harry.

“I wonder if I ever will get to love someone as much as you love each other,” Harry says turning to look at her, “sometimes it scares me that I might never meet my one and only,” Harry shrugs, “I know I sound stupid.”

“No, no you don’t Harry,” Glenne says reaching out and placing her hand on top of Harry’s. “I’m sure there is someone out there just for you, you are just having a hard time finding each other,” she smiles and Harry can’t help, but smile too.

“I must sound desperate, but I hope he will find me soon. I’m feeling kind of lonely,” Harry says and chuckles.

“I’m sure he is on his way,” Glenne says squeezing Harry’s palm.

“Who is on his way?” Jeff asks and sits on the other side of Harry leaving him in the middle.

“Harry’s boyfriend,” Glenne responds wrapping her arm around Harry’s middle instead and scooting closer.

“Boyfriend? Wait, you have a boyfriend?” Jeff asks shocked turning to look at Harry and Glenne. “Why don’t I know anything about him?” he questions.

“No you silly, his future boyfriend. Our Harry here is feeling a little lonely,” Glenne explains.

“Ah, when he is finally here remind me to ask him what the hell took him so long? I’ll need a good explanation,” Jeff says in all seriousness and wraps his hand around Harry’s shoulder.

Harry smiles squeezed in between his friends. “Thanks guys, I love you both a lot,” he adds feeling a little better.

“We love you too H, always will,” Glenne responds kissing Harry on the cheek.

“I love you Harry, lets run away,” Jeff jokes in high pitched voice placing a loud kiss on Harry’s cheek.

It makes all of them laugh out loud and almost fall over backwards. Harry loves this about Jeff and Glenne, loves how in one moment he can talk about things that matter to him or makes him a big sap and the other they make him laugh and forget why he was sad in the first place.

They stand up still holding each other and make their way back to the group.

Harry smiles to himself once again and thanks every single star that decorates the dark New York sky for friends like them.

**11th of January, Los Angeles**

** **

Harry smiles finally standing in the hallway of his own house. He drops his leather duffel bag by his feet and walks to the kitchen.

He makes himself a cup of coffee deeply inhaling the aroma of coffee beans and proceeds to his living room where he walks outside on the porch and sits in one of his chairs.

He breathes relaxing in his chair and closes his eyes.

“Finally,” he whispers feeling the warmth of the sun on his face. He sips on his coffee enjoying the view of his own backyard.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and the pulls it out seeing Jeff’s name across the screen.

“Hello,” Harry says into the speaker and crosses his legs at his ankles.

“Hey,” Jeff says and Harry hears woman’s voice in the background.

“Say hi to Glen,” Harry smiles hearing Jeff do just that followed by the muffled response from Glenne somewhere in the distance.

“So I was wondering, there is this Pre-Grammy gala thing in Beverly Hills on 13th. My dad is giving a speech and some of his new artists will be there.  Wanna join?” Jeff asks a little hesitant. “You don’t have to, I understand if you wanna spend your couple of days off relaxing-“

“No, it’s fine, I’ll come with you. I will suffer from being alone for so long,” Harry laughs.

It’s been a long time since Harry has seen any other artists or met new people. He couldn’t imagine a whole day at home doing nothing. Even if going to the Gala to support his rumoured new team would cause him backlash from his own PR team.

“Great, awesome! I’ll pick you up at six on 13th then. Meanwhile enjoy your little break,” Jeff says excitedly.

“You too, see you Monday mate,” Harry responds and ends the call.

Harry makes his way back inside the house. He places his cup in the sink and grabs his laptop from the bar top, heading to his living room.

He hasn’t called his family or seen them in a while so he decides to use his time to do just that.

He opens his laptop and logs on his skype account. He smiles seeing that his mom is online.

He uses the moment to fix his hair while the call goes out and then it connects.

“Hi mom,” Harry says as soon as the black picture switches to his mother’s face.

“Hi Sweet cheeks,” Harry’s mother Anne responds fixing the dark blue towel on her head.

“How’s things in England?” Harry questions his face splitting grin.

“It’s cold here, but nothing we haven’t been used to,” Anne laughs, “how are you? How’s LA treating you?” She asks reaching somewhere in front of her and then applying  cream on her face.

“It’s good, not that warm yet, but we are getting there. I have a few days off now. Had a concert in New York yesterday, it was sick. Went out with Jeff, Glenne, Kendall and her friends,” Harry says smiling at the memory.

“Kendall? Did they send you on a date with her again?” Anne asks concerned.

Harry knows that his mother doesn’t like her even after Harry has assured that they are friends no matter the circumstances, but Anne always gets overprotective of him and doesn’t want to believe that Kendall is worthy of Harry’s friendship. She always says that if she was a real friend she wouldn’t go on such stunts to help keep him in closet in the first place.

“No, mom. She was actually the one who came up with this idea, no pap’s, no fans. Just our small groups of friends having a chill,” Harry explains and sees how his mother’s face softens at little. “Anyway. Nine more concerts in North America and I’m finally flying to the UK,” Harry says switching off from the talk about Kendall.

“Are you excited?” Anne smiles waving to somebody off camera. “It’s Harry.”

“Yes, very. It’s been so long since I’ve been there,” Harry says. Ever since he became the biggest male artist in music industry, he hasn’t been in the UK, as his label was situated in LA he had to move there as well.

He remembers it like it was yesterday. He came out second in UK’s version of The X Factor and everyone already knew he was going to be a global pop-star. Ever since the final Harry has worked hard for everything he has now and if anything it hasn’t been easy. There would be days early in his career where he would sit for hours in front of empty pages unable to write, only his tears marking the paper.

It hasn’t been easy keeping his true self locked inside, unable to show it, to be free. He was forced to learn how to hide it when the world wasn’t ready for it yet. Now it is, but Harry has to stay behind until he is able to leave and be who he always was.

“Hey Haz!” His sister Gemma sits down next to their mother.

“Hi Gem. I thought I heard you,” Harry smiles, happy to see his sister.

“Look what I have,” Gemma says showing off her graduation hat. “Just a reminder that I expect you to be here for my graduation.”

“I’ll be in the UK in two weeks’ time, so yeah, I’ll be there,” Harry assures.

“Don’t mind the fact that I’ll be the first one to graduate, Pop-star,” Gemma chuckles placing her hat on her knees.

“Be back in a sec,” Anne stands and walks away.

“So, I see you had a great time in NY. Nice pic with Kendall by the way. Almost got me convinced,” Gemma says rolling her eyes.

“Not you too,” Harry sighs, but still smiles.

“She seems nice,” Gemma adds smiling. “Is Jeff coming to the UK with you?”

“We haven’t talked about it yet. As much as I would love to, don’t think he will, unless Glenne is coming with,” Harry explains and for the first time it makes him wonder what if Jeff stays in America. Who's going to support Harry in UK. Hug him once he gets off the stage after each concert?

“How are they doing though? Were they in New York with you?” She questions and Anne sits back down next to her.

“Yes, they have become like a second family to me here,” Harry smiles and just thinking that in a few weeks he is going to the UK, possibly without them. It’s scary and he will surely miss them until he is back in America for his 5th album promo.

“I’m glad that you have such _good_ and _close_ _friends_ like Jeff and Glenne there. I look forward to meeting them,” Anne adds and Harry can see Gemma rolling her eyes around a grin. Gemma as well as Harry understands their mother is trying to say that Kendall isn’t really a friend in her eyes.

“Okay. As much as I love talking to you both, I’m starving,” Harry sighs stretching his arms, making the bones pop.

“Alright darling, see you very soon,” Anne says. “See you Pop-star,” Gemma adds showing a tongue and they end the call.

Harry is left with the silence of his house again. He sits there for a minute listening for something that isn’t there.

He stretches again standing up and reaches for his phone. He opens his music folder and connects to his stereo system flooding the emptiness with the sounds of Kodaline.

_“I believed one day that you would come along and free me”_


	2. Ex-footie player.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The life of Louis Tomlinson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii! It's Monday and as promised new chapter! this time lets get to know Louis Tomlinson :)
> 
> **Note:** I want to thank my amazing beta for editing after me. You deserve an award [Dia!](http://rainbowswarriors.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I have also made a trailer for this story. You can watch it [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/140211004319/harry-styles-world-famous-pop-star-living-a-lie) and follow the tag [untainted](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/untainted/) on Tumblr for all things this fic.
> 
> I'll post this work weekly. So every Monday, new chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> [This is the house Louis lives in.](http://www.leighjournal.co.uk/homes/homes_for_sale/in/Ashley,%20Altrincham,%20Greater%20Manchester/from/0/to/10000000/high-to-low/All/with/0/bedrooms/gallery/2880580/?ref=mvh)
> 
> [And this one is his dream house he is about to sell.](http://www.trulia.com/property/3227801226-6-Penny-Ln-Manchester-CT-06040#photo-1)
> 
>   **Warning:** The start of this chapter contains flash back memory of Louis about his accident and what happened. Read with caution!

**7th of January, Manchester, UK**

_Louis walks towards his car that is parked in it's usual spot. The football game was a success. They won their 7th game in a row and were already in one of the top leagues._

_He feels good not just because they won, but also because a couple of weeks earlier he came out as the first openly gay football player. The support he has received was overwhelming. He was afraid that it would make his team's fans leave, but today they proved Louis wrong. If it was possible, the crowd was louder than ever. He even saw one or two rainbow flags._

_He unlocks his car and opens the rear to put his bag in._

_“Hey Tomlinson,” someone says, making Louis spin around._

_He looks at the three men, wearing hoodies that hide their faces from the light. Louis doesn’t recognise their voices and can’t see them either._

_He closes the rear and faces the three strangers._

_“How can I help you?” he asks, thinking they might be fans._

_“Actually there is one thing you can help us with,” one of them says and they come closer._

_“Yeah?” Louis questions, finally able to see all three of them._

_“We'd be grateful if you never played football again in your life,” the stranger says as the other one hits Louis in the stomach, making him double over._

_Louis lets out an “ooof” sound as the air leaves his lungs._

_“Fucking fag!” the man shouts and another hit follows. This time to Louis’ face._

_He feels the taste of blood in his mouth as one hit comes after another. He tries to call for help, but he feels like a puppet in their hands._

_It hurts everywhere. His legs, his stomach, his arms, his face._

_He falls to the ground next to his car as they proceed punching and kicking him. He sees red flashes before his eyes and then his vision turns blurry._

_“We are not done yet, you disgusting freak!” Louis hears them say from somewhere far away._

_He feels like he is floating now. The minute of consciousness makes him realise that they have pulled him in a standing position._

_“We don’t want to see you on the pitch ever again!” his blurry vision sees the guy lean in. “Or this never stops,” he adds._

_It’s like he's been let go and falls to the ground again. It’s like his head hits the rock hard ground of the parking lot. It’s not. His head collides with the passenger seat window and it smashes around him._

_Then he falls. It seems like he never stops falling. Never ending hole with no end, the only thing he feels is stinging pain everywhere._

Louis wakes up gulping for air. His skin is prickling as sweat drips down his neck and chest.

He breathes, rubbing his face with his hands. It’s been a while since his past haunted him in his sleep and made him feel anxious again.

He pulls the duvet off himself and makes his way to the bathroom. He runs the tap until it’s ice cold and washes his face. His hands freeze a little when he keeps them under the tap for too long and he revels in the feeling of it. At least something that takes his mind off his dream.

It’s been almost 4 years since his encounter with those three strangers. He has moved away from his flat in Manchester, erased every trace that linked him to that place and left the football team. Everyone questioned the decision he had made on the hospital bed with fractured ribs, a broken arm and stitches on his face and entire body. The most difficult decision he has ever had to make. Even though they seemed to understand his need to leave something that he loved so much, it was the thing that hurt him the most too.

They caught the men that did it to Louis almost a week later. There was nothing left to stop Louis from returning to the pitch, but he couldn’t do it. The thought of “what if next time I don’t survive?” haunting him. So he left. As hard as it was, he left never looking back.

He lives outside of Manchester now; in a small private house he calls his home. He's a sales agent at a Manchester based company that sells houses. Believe it or not, he’s actually good at it.

He hasn’t been near a football pitch ever since.

Every time he has that dream, it makes him feel like he has made a poor job of leaving his past behind. It still manages to find him, even if only in his dreams.

He brushes his teeth, setting on getting ready for work. He is awake anyway, what’s the difference?

Once he’s done in the bathroom, he proceeds to his bedroom and unzips the dry cleaning bag that has been hanging on his door knob since yesterday. He smooths his palms over the expensive fabric of his suit and smirks, taking it out of the bag.

He puts on his light blue shirt and reaches for his suit pants. They fit perfectly just like they always do. He walks over to the closet and picks out a dark blue tie. He takes his phone leaves the room, grabbing the jacket of his suit.

He goes through the e-mails he has received during the night. Nobody seems to be sleeping when he is. Go figure. He leaves the phone on his kitchen table, looking for something to eat.

In less than 15 minutes he is already on his way to work. He lives just outside Manchester and it takes up to one hour until he gets to work.

He walks through the tall glass door, waving to the receptionist downstairs and makes his way to the lift.

Once he is upstairs he walks down the long corridor that is made of little booths where the rest of the employees work. He smirks, remembering that once he had this booth-like space he would call his office, but look at him now, having his own room and an assistant. It took a lot of hard work to prove that he could sell houses, not just kick a football around the pitch.

“Morning Niall,” Louis says as soon as he sees his assistant. The blonde boy is caught off guard by Louis and almost chokes on his doughnut, rushing to hide the already half empty box in his desk.

“Mornin!” Niall shouts as soon as he is able to and hurries to stand up and follow Louis into to his office. “You're early today,” he adds.

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep,” Louis mumbles placing his briefcase on the table. “So, what's the plan for today?” He can’t help the little smile that escapes his lips when he glances at Niall. Somehow he has managed to get powdered sugar all over his cheeks.

“Erm yes,” Niall says, fixing his black framed glasses  on his nose. “At noon you have a house showing and then a late lunch with Mr Harris.”

“Great, thanks,” Louis says, already opening his laptop to look over all the necessary information he needs about the house he is showing today. “That would be all Niall,” Louis smiles and before Niall walks out the door he stops him. “Hey, Niall?”

“Yes?” Niall spins around to face Louis.

“Go clean yourself up, yeah?” Louis smiles, gesturing at his own cheeks and Niall follows his motion with his own hand. He sees the powdered sugar on his fingers and exits the office, blushing.

Louis shakes his head, laughing as he opens his briefcase.

~

“And here we have a very spacious living room with a view of the backyard. Great place for family to relax or have a formal party.” Louis smiles.  “But wait till you see this,” he adds approaching the glass door. He slides it to the side and the whole glass  wall where the door used to be becomes an open space to the porch. “I’m going to sound unprofessional, but this is my favourite. Just imagine, a hot summer day. Chilling on the sofas with a cold beer in your hand, all this open space just for you. Heck, I would invest some extra money to get a pool installed right outside.” Louis says, looking at the couple he is showing the house to.

They look at each other and that’s the moment when Louis knows that he has sold the house. He smiles as the man comes forward, reaching out to shake Louis’ hand.

“Thank you, we'll take it,” he says what Louis already knew he would.

“My pleasure,” he smiles back, shaking the man’s hand. “I’ll let the office know that you are coming in to sign.”

“Thank you. Thank you a lot. You helped us to find the perfect house we were looking for.” The lady adds reaching into her handbag and fishing out her phone.

“As we say at the Harris Estates 'we turn the house into a home',” Louis grins smoothing his hands over his suit. “If you’ll excuse me there is a call for me to make.” He adds leaving the couple alone. He walks down the long corridor, already reaching for his phone.

“Hey Niall? We got the deal. Get all the papers ready by the time I’m back. Thanks.” He says into the speaker as soon as Niall picks up.

He ends the call and decides to hang around the kitchen where he ended up making his call. He slides his hand over the expensive marble work top just looking around, thinking.

This house has been like his first love. Ever since he remembers himself working at the Harris Estates’ this particular house caught his eye. He dreamt once that maybe if he works long enough and saves money he could afford it. Have it for himself. He would spend his nights mapping out the changes he would make in this particular house and how much it would cost him. The idea about the swimming pool was the first thing that came to his mind when he stepped over the threshold all those years ago. He put so much time of his private life into this building he thought could be his one day. Somehow over the years that thought had left him and now it’s like it returned and he doesn’t really want to give it away. It’s his first love after all.

He smirks at his thoughts and makes his way back to the couple. He finds them just outside the porch looking into the distance that the backyard gives, lowly discussing something.

“It’s all set. We can head to sign the lease as soon as you are ready.” Louis smiles rubbing his hands together. The couple turns to him and something seems off.

“We were thinking,” the lady starts and Louis knows he has lost the deal as soon as those words come out. His smile falters a bit, but he forces his lips to smile even if it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You are breaking my heart,” Louis says forcing a grin and he can’t believe how much truth is in those words.

“We just thought that... This obviously is a family house and we are over that stage to have it. There is just... We believe that there is someone else out there who would love to live here. Call this house their home. We are very sorry that we said you we would take it.” The lady explains apologetically.

“I understand. This house is a lot to take on. If you are still interested we could look at the other houses, much smaller ones.” He offers and the couple nods.

“We will call you,” the man says and nods, excusing himself.

“We are very sorry. It’s such a shame to give up on a house like this,” the lady says again and gestures at the space around them.

“Yeah. It’s a beautiful house. Actually I once wanted it for myself,” Louis adds, shrugging. He looks at the high ceiling of the living room and all the light that breaks through the tall windows despite the clouds outside.

“Maybe now you can have it. Maybe it was meant to happen,” the lady smiles reaching out and squeezing Louis' hand. Their eyes meet and they exchange a smile.

She leaves after a moment, leaving Louis alone. He stands there for a minute just thinking, looking out at the backyard. The ring of his phone filling the empty space brings him back to reality.

“Yes Niall,” Louis asks, approaching the glass  door and closing it.

“Just wanted to remind you about your lunch with Mr Harris,” Niall says through the speaker.

Louis looks at his watch noticing it’s almost 2PM. “Oh shit, I’m on my way.” Louis locks the door to the backyard and hurries to the main exit.

“You still have like 30 minutes, Louis. Are you coming to the office with the couple to sign or?” Niall asks and Louis can hear him typing on the keyboard.

“No,” Louis sighs. “The deal is off. They changed their mind last minute.” He explains, climbing into his Audi.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll go and put it back on the website.” Niall responds.

“Don’t rush with that Niall, we might have a buyer after all. I’ll tell you clearly after my meeting with James.” Louis says, bringing his car to life.

“Okay. Didn’t know we have another buyer for it,” Niall mumbles, obviously busy with something.

“It’s last minute. Okay. I’m hanging up now. Bye.” Louis says driving out of the parking lot.

As he drives away he looks in his rear view mirror to glance at the house that disappears down the long road. The further he gets, the more he realises that he really wants it. He has earned it in some way. He smiles in anticipation and speeds away to his meeting.

~

When Louis arrives at the restaurant where he is supposed to meet his boss, he is more than shocked to find him already there. He sits in his usual dark grey suit at the table, reading the newspaper. He somehow senses Louis and his already greying eyebrows shoot up as he smiles, setting the paper down. Louis rushes past the waiter that greets him by the door, gesturing at James to let him know that he is here to meet him.

“My deepest apologies. I hope you weren’t waiting for too long.” Louis rushes to explain. He shakes his employer's hand and takes a seat just opposite him.

“No worries, Louis. I’ve just arrived a couple of minutes ago.” He smiles and gestures to the waiter. “I heard you got the deal, congratulations again Louis.” He adds as the waiter pours some water into Louis' glass.

Louis takes a deep breath as soon as the waiter leaves. “About that,” he shrugs, carefully taking the glass and drinking. “They called it off once I was finished sorting things out with Niall.” He smiles sheepishly watching James brows furrow.

“Well, that’s uncertain,” he says shaking his head.

“But they still want us to help them searching for another house, so it’s not like we have lost the client,” Louis butts in. “And there is something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“I’m listening,” James says, his eyes skipping over the menu.

“I know that it’s probably a far shot, but do you think I could get that house for myself?” Louis asks, uncertainty clear in his voice.

He watches his boss focus on one spot in his menu and then he looks at Louis, a crease forming between his eyebrows.

“You want to buy the house?” James asks.

“Yeah. It’s not our best deal anyway so you won’t lose much. It doesn’t even have a pool. I’ve been wanting to move closer to Manchester anyway, I'm getting tired of sitting in traffic jams every morning. Not that it’s a good reason.” Louis explains watching his boss nod along his words.

“You make me wonder, Louis.” James sips on his water, setting the menu aside. “You are just as good at selling houses as you are at convincing me that this particular house won’t change anything,” he adds in all seriousness.

His words make Louis think that maybe James wonders if he blew that deal just to get the house for himself.

“Fine. You can have it,” James says and Louis has to ask him to repeat. “Just one thing,” he adds lifting his finger.

“What is it?” Louis questions.

“You can have it if in two weeks’ time we won’t find a buyer for it. You’ve seen the house. I can’t just give it up like that.” James explains and Louis nods.

“I understand. It’s only fair.”

“I will assign it to Nick. It’s not that I don’t trust you, I do, but it’s a very good deal I’m giving up.” James says and it stings a little. Louis wouldn’t even consider going against the estate agency just so he could get the house. He was a fair player and if that meant that this particular house was off his list, it was only for the better. Nick on the other hand wasn’t as successful as Louis was and if it meant that he had to wait another two weeks until Nick tries to sell it unsuccessfully, he would.

“No problem,” Louis agrees, smiling at James.

“Good. Now let’s eat.” James says, rubbing his hands together and searching for the waiter.

~

Louis shrugs off his suit jacket as soon as the door behind him clicks shut. He exhales, relieved that this day is finally over. He heads to the kitchen to put the kettle on while he rummages through his cupboards for tea. He finds none.

“Fuck,” Louis mumbles, turning the kettle off. He opens his fridge taking out a carton of milk and slowly padding to his living room.

He turns on the TV loosening his tie and unbuttoning the first three buttons of his shirt. He flicks through the channels and finally settles on some American football game just as his phone rings next to his thigh.

“Mum” he sees across the screen and with a deep sigh, answers the call.

“Hi,” he says trying to sound happy.

“Hi boo bear. What’s the matter?” His mother, Johanna or as he calls her, Jay asks and it amazes him how his mother could tell from just one word that something was off.

“Kind of a bad day at work. Lost the deal. James wasn’t too happy.” Louis explains as simply as he can.

“He is a grumpy old man, Louis. I’m sure you’ll find another buyer very soon.” Jay assures him in that motherly voice of hers.

“I might have already.” Louis says crossing his ankles on top of the coffee table.

“I knew you would,” She responds, a smile evident in her voice.

 “Yeah. It's just that the buyer might be me.” Louis concludes, holding his breath.

“What do you mean? Are you moving?” Jay questions. Her voice disappears for a second and Louis hears her talking to somebody in the background.

“It was an old dream of mine, mum. Today I almost sold the house I first fell in love with and it all just came back to me, I guess.” Louis explains and hears his mother hum in understanding.

“Oh, that’s what it was. The first love. Well, that would be great, honey. That house is almost next door to us and your little siblings are missing you a lot.” Jay says.

“Yeah it is and I miss all of you too.” Louis sighs, fiddling with the carton between his thighs.

“Are you coming over on Sunday? Dan is making roast.” She asks hopefully and it makes Louis feel guilty that he doesn't have that much time anymore to see his family.

“Yeah. I will.” He smiles into the speaker.

“Okay. I’m going to tell the rest you are joining us.” She says and he can hear the smile in her voice.

“Alright.” Louis simply responds and there's a minute of silence between them.

“Okay. I’ll leave you to whatever you have to do and I'll see you on Sunday.” She says after a moment.

“See you. Say hi to everyone.” Louis answers and the line goes dead.

He sighs, placing his phone next to him and lifts the carton of milk to his lips. He wipes at his stubble knowing that he has a white milk moustache.

He spends the rest of the evening trying to focus on the American football rather than the thoughts about being so distant from his own family.

~

**12th of January, Manchester**

Louis drives down the street that should be familiar, but at the same time it’s become a distant memory. His accident in some way has made him antisocial. His family felt it the most. After some time it was easier to count the days he wouldn’t come to visit rather than days he would. He would spend those days just sleeping in his own house doing nothing while his mother would try to reach out.

Today was one of those days when he would come to visit. His t-shirt felt a little itchy as it was the first clean thing he would wear outside his work clothes. He even managed to find a clean pair of black skinny jeans rather than choosing to wear one of his sweatpants.

He sees the road to his dream house and slows down while passing it. It still has the “FOR SALE” sign on the side of the road and Louis smiles confidently.

Soon after that he finally reaches his mother’s house. The house he used to call his home. He snatches his jacket and the flowers from the passenger seat and climbs out of the car. He rings the bell, shivering a little from the cold weather that January brings and inwardly groans that he should invest in some warm jumpers.

The door opens, hitting Louis with a wave of warmness and the smell of beef.

“Why didn’t you just come in.” His mother exclaims inviting him in with a hug.

“These are for you.” Louis chooses not to answer the question by giving Jay the flowers.

“They are beautiful!” She says, her eyes shining as she embraces Louis in another hug.

“So are you.” Louis smiles into her shoulder.

“Aw stop it, you are going to make me cry.” She responds, her voice quivering. “Come in will you.” She pulls away and leads Louis over the threshold closing the door behind him.

Louis smiles, shivering by the door and hanging his jacket. He follows his mother down the hall until they reach the family room where the rest of them are.

The first one to notice Louis is his younger sister Lottie. She jumps up from the sofa and crashes into him squealing from joy. As it turns out his mother didn’t tell anyone that Louis is joining them for Sunday roast apart from Dan.

After that it’s a round of exchanging hugs with the rest of his younger siblings. It makes him feel warm and happy being here and appreciate that he has such a loving family. They really deserve the best family’s award for putting up with Louis after his accident.

“Louiiiii” he hears after he has hugged everyone in the room. He turns around to see the two youngest twins.

“When did you two grow up.” Louis exclaims squatting down and opening his arms. He shakes his head, remembering that the last time he saw them they weren’t even walking.

“Yesteday.” Doris says in all seriousness, her little chubby hands still fisting Louis t-shirt.

Louis grins reaching out and tugging at one of her curls. “Smart one aren’t you.” He adds looking at his mother watching them.

“Alright, alright. Time to eat, everyone to the table.” Dan says walking into the room, cooking gloves still on his hands.

Louis watches Doris run as fast as she can to her dad, leaving her brother behind. Ernest gestures at Louis to pick him up and that’s what Louis does. All of them gather around the big table taking a seat.

Louis takes a moment to look around at his family. Each of them has been there for him when he needed them the most. It makes him feel a little guilty that he has become so distant from them, but he promises himself to be a better son and brother once he moves closer.

~

Later that evening when he arrives back home it’s already dark. It seems too quiet once he opens his own door and he longs for the same feeling he had when his mother greeted him. It feels empty and cold. He goes to sleep thinking of his day and keeping his past away.

_“Life. It’s easy to be scared of.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you lovelies for leaving the comments and kudos! It means a lot x
> 
> you can find me on Tumblr as [arrow-to-my-heart](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/)


	3. Goodbyes are bittersweet.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry struggles to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hai! Sorry for taking this so long, but here we finally are 3rd chapter!
> 
> I wanna say BIG thank you to my beta [SJ](http://livelove-sjones.tumblr.com/), without her idk how many more weeks you would have to wait! Show her some love! x
> 
> I wanna thank every single one of you for following and reading this story!  
> I have also made a trailer for this story. You can watch it [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/140211004319/harry-styles-world-famous-pop-star-living-a-lie) and follow the tag [untainted](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/untainted/) on Tumblr for all things this fic.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> **Warning!** in this chapter the accident happens and Harry loses his best friend. Please proceed with caution!

**13th of January, Los Angeles**

It doesn’t stop ringing. It seems like it does, but it’s not. Not when Harry opens one eye too look at it and closes again. Sometimes he wishes that he had powers to move things. He would make his phone fly across the room and smash against the wall. He feels too tired to reach out and stop the calling, his limbs feel too heavy, too numb.

The ringing stops. After few seconds his screen blinks with the notification that he has recieved a message.

He deeply exhales rolling on his back and just staring at his white ceiling. His eyes focus on slight crack and he thinks that he should call someone to have a look at it.

He blinks rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and with another deep exhale finally sits up frowning at his phone. His arm almost reaches out to take it, but he stops it thinking that who ever it is can wait.

Harry gets out of his bed and slowly walks to his bathroom scratching at his hip. It’s sunny. When it’s not sunny in LA though? He brushes his teeth and tries to tie his long hair in a bun. He succeeds.

Harry decides to start his day with a run. Once he makes himself a quick breakfast and dusts off his running shoes, he’s ready to go.

~

Harry returns two hours later. The thing is, he loses himself in the music while he runs. It’s a way to disconect his mind from his body and once he starts he can’t stop. So he runs until his body and muscles ache in pain for him to stop. Until he can’t bear it anymore, but that’s the sad truth, he loves pain after a good workout.

He takes the earbuds out switching off the music in his iPod and stuffs it back in the pocket of his shorts. He feels hot and heads to take a shower straight away.

He stands under the hot stream of water enjoying the way it hits against the back of his neck. The way it’s falling down his aching body and collects around his toes. He washes himself and once he’s done he wraps a towel around his hips and uses another one to dry his hair.

He steps out from the bathroom drying his hair and decides to look at his forgotten phone.

There are about 10 missed calls from Jeff and two messages. Harry smiles opening it.

**_Me and Glen going out for breakfast. Just wanted to see if you wanted to join us?_ **

And another one.

**_Harry???_ **

Harry chuckles shaking his head and typing out the reply. 

_ Mornin’ :) You miss me already? 10 calls just to invite me, I’m flattered x. _

Harry drops his phone back on the bed and goes to find some clothes to wear. He doesn’t need anything fancy so he settles on a white t-shirt and his usual black jeans. By the time he returns back to his room there’s message from Jeff already waiting for him.

**_Didn’t want to hurt your feelings by settling on less. ;)_ **

**_Was about to ask where were you, but tabloids does a good job on updating your every move. How was the run?_ **

**_We are going to the fitting at five, after that straight to the awards._ **

_ Didn’t even notice them. See you there xx. _

Harry send out the answer and slips his phone into his back pocket. He decides to grab lunch on his way to the fittings and eat there while he waits for Jeff.

~

“I can’t believe you are doing this.” Jeff says as soon as he walks through the door and sees Harry.

To be honest he didn’t expect any different reaction from him when he chose to wear it.

“But it’s gucci,” Harry chuckles opening his printed beige jacket to show the label.

“Nothing good will come out of this man.” Jeff says as one of stylists pushes a dark suit in his hands.

“You never know, I might go home as best dressed.” Harry winks and laughs watching his friend disapear behind the curtain.

Harry uses the moment to turn around and fix up his black shirt and the same colour floral neck bow. He smooths his hands over the fabric as Jeff steps out in his simple black suit.

“How boring,” Harry teases fixing his hair.

“I don’t need any more eyes on me then already have.” Jeff laughs and checks his reflection. 

“Ready guys?” Glenne walks through the door already dressed in long, black sparkly dress. Harry almost doesn’t recognize her.

“Woah, you look stunning.” Harry voices his thoughts out loud.

“Thank you Harry.” She says Harry’s words causing her to blush a little.

“Hey, she is my stunning girlfriend.” Jeff jokes walking across to meet her in a small kiss.

“You say it like I could turn straight whenever I choose to.” Harry jokes back turning his eyes away from the kissing couple. It feels a little awkward when he has to be like a third wheel.

“Boys. Behave,” Glenne says looking at both of them. “Shall we?” She adds linking one of her hand with Jeff and reaching out the other for Harry. “The suit was made for you.” She winks leaning in and whispering to Harry.

He smiles back at her and all three of them walk out hand in hand to the car awaiting outside.

They share a glass of champagne on the way to awards. Harry feels excitement boil in his lower tummy. He’s spend almost a year on tour without attending any award shows. All the world has seen from him was just pre-recorded video messages as a thank you. 

Today he finally can go out and meet new people. Press already been speculating about Harry attending and he recieved a list from his PR of things Harry shouldn’t answer  if he gets interviewed.

Soon enough they arrive at the Beverly Hilton hotel. There is a crowd of fans already waiting outside clearly knowing that Harry is attending.

Harry follows his friends out of the car before taking a deep breath. The flashlights from cameras almost blinding, but after few blinks Harry get’s used to it. He looks at the crowd of fans calling his name and waves smiling. 

The three of them link their hands once again and poses for a few pictures on the red carpet. Harry sees one of reporters waving at him and Harry excuses himself to go and talk.

“Hi Harry.” The interviewer says when he comes closer.

“Hi, how are you, good?” Harry asks leaning in and kissing her on both cheeks.

“Do you have time for a quick pre Pre-Grammy Gala interview?” She questions and Harry nods looking back at his friends and seeing that they are being interviewed too.

“Hey guys, I am interviewing no-one other than Harry Styles.” She starts, looking at the camera. “Welcome to Beverly hills.”

“Thank you.” Harry simply responds smiling.

“After touring for so long around the world you are finally back. Tell me what are your favourite things to do while you are back home?” She questions smiling too energetically.

“Well, I like to just relax and maybe do some working out. Just… chill. Relax in between the touring.” Harry responds.

“Great. I’m really excited that you are working on your fifth studio album. The fans are so excited. What can you tell us about the sound and kind of the evolution of the sound that’s going into this album?” 

“Erm… yeah, I am working on it at the moment. It’s kind of, a little bit different than I’ve done before.” Harry starts and fixes his hair. “Not too wild.” He grins adding. “I’m very excited for everyone to hear it.”

“I saw the picture your friends uploaded of you riding a bus through LA. What can you tell about that?” She asks and Harry smiles.

“Yeah. It actually wasn’t me.” Harry explains still smiling.

“Wasn’t you?” She questions in surprise.

“No. But I mean... I can take the credit for it.” He grins at her expression. “Just some look a like of me.”

“Okay. So Harry what song did you listened to today before you came here?” She asks looking in her pad of questions.

Harry knows a good chance to send a message when it approaches him and he smiles acting like it takes him a good moment to recall.

“Erm… Same Love I believe it was. I love it.” Harry answers. “I am being shouted at.” Harry adds seeing Jeff in the distance. “I am being shouted at.” He repeats grinning at Jeff’s ridiculous face expression. 

“Oh are you?” The interviewer questions turning to look what got Harry’s attention. “Okay. Harry Styles have  fun tonight and we can’t wait until your new album drops.” She adds.

“Thank you. Thank you.” Harry smiles and excuses himself to walk away.

He fixes his jacket approaching his friends waiting for him.

“Thank you.” Harry breathes. “I swear to God next question would have been about Kendall.” He adds lowly.

“No problem H.” Jeff smiles patting Harry on the shoulder and all of them proceed inside.

~

“That was one of the best nights I have had so far. Thank you for inviting me.” Harry says around a yawn his eyes locked on the dark road.

“I’m glad you had fun mate.” Jeff responds. Harry spares a look at him seeing that his eyes are closed.

“I did. You know you could have driven home with Glen. You didn’t have to leave cause I did.” Harry says reaching out to turn lower the stereo system.

“I knew she would wanna stay there longer and if it meant I could get to sleep for a bit at yours till she picks me up, I wouldn’t say no” he responds nuzzling into the collar of his jacket.

Harry just smiles at that drumming along the beat on the steering wheel.

“Oh, there is something I wanna tell you.” Jeff suddenly sits up, all sleep forgotten.

“What is it?” Harry questions chuckling of a sudden change in his friend.

“You are the first person I tell this.” Jeff starts.

“Thanks man.” Harry interjects.

“Yeah, so I trust you that you wont tell anyone before I’ve done anything.” Jeff continues running his palms over his face. “I wanna propose to Glenn.” He says a little unsure, like he couldn’t believe himself that he’s going to do it.

“Wow. You serious?” Harry exclaims. He reaches out leaving just one hand on the wheel and squeezes Jeff’s shoulder. “Proud of you man.”

“Thanks H. I think I even have the ring with me.” Jeff grins unbuckling his seat belt to reach in the bag by his feet and take out the small box. “Isn’t this beautiful?” He asks.

Harry looks at Jeff. His eyes locked on the ring in his hand. His face split in grin and love he feels for Glenne. Something stirs in Harry’s gut. The thought of his two best friends getting married making him hold back a tear. He feels proud of Jeff and happy for Glenne to have a man like him in her life. 

Sudden light brings Harry out of his thoughts and it’s too late to comprehend what’s happening. Too late to escape inevitable. Too late to hit on brakes and stop the car from flying across the road.

Last thing Harry sees before all goes black is Jeff’s eyes staring back at him with emptiness behind them.

~

_ Somehow Harry is brought back to New York. He sits alone on the bench at the riverside just like he did last week. It feels different now. He doesn’t hear the rest of the party in the distance and it’s awfully quiet now. _

_ “Hey,” Harry turns his head to see Jeff say. _

_ “Jeff?” Harry questions. He wants to stand, but his limbs doesn’t move, it’s like he’s glued to the bench. _

_ “Thought I’d find you here.” Jeff smiles and sits next to Harry. _

_ “Just needed to think.” Harry sighs. It feels awfully familiar like a déjà vu. He knows he’s been here, but maybe it was just a dream. _

_ “What’s on your mind?” Jeff asks reaching down and picking up a small rock. _

_ “Just… thoughts.” Harry says watching a stray leaf on the pavement. _

_ “Harry?”  Jeff questions and Harry nods for him to continue. “I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. Whenever you need me just call my name and I’ll be there if you need me.” He says making Harry frown. _

_ “I know. You and Glenne mean so much to me too. I’ll always-“  Harry answers falling quiet after seeing Jeff shake his head. _

_ “No. You don’t understand.” Jeff says. He looks up at Harry and just now he notices his tear streaked cheeks. _

_ “What do you mean?” Harry questions trying to reach out, but finding it difficult. If only his hands would move. _

_ “You’ll understand.” Jeff says. “I’m sorry I have to go now.” He stands up saying.  _

_ “Where? Aren’t you coming back with us?” Harry asks nodding at the group that isn’t there. At least his head works. _

_ “I’ll see you again soon Harry.” Jeff just says and walks away. _

_ Harry wants to call after him. Tell him to return, but he can’t. He watches Jeff’s body blur together with the darkness and then he’s gone. Harry sits alone unable to move, to do anything. _

_ The quietness he once heard changes into something. Something Harry hasn’t heard before in his life. It bleeps louder and louder once Harry concentrates on the sound.  _

_ The scene before his eyes turns into tunnel vision and it’s like something drags him out of it. The riverside becomes smaller and smaller until it disappears all together. _

~

**14th of January, Los Angeles**

Harry blinks awake. The first thing he sees is white ceiling. He looks for the crack he knows should be there, but its not. He tries to remember if he called someone to come fix it.

“Harry?” He hears his mothers voice calling him.

He looks on the side and yes, Anne is there. He looks at her red puffy eyes and bloated face. She’s holding a light yellow napkin against her nose, tears streaking down her cheeks.

“Mom.” Harry says, his own voice sounding unfamiliar. Too raspy, too low. It sounds awfully like when he had four concerts in the row every night and it caused his throat to hurt and close up.

“Thank God you are awake.” She sobs holding tightly onto Harry’s hand.

Harry blinks around the room taking it all in. It’s not his room as he thought at first. His room doesn’t have crème coloured walls. Doesn’t have white sheets on his bed or that weird looking cabinet in the corner.

He lifts his hand to scratch at the itchy spot on his face. He stops it half way noticing something like a peg attached to his finger. He frowns looking at his mother.

“Where am I?” He questions. As soon as he does the sound is back. That same sound that brought him out of his dream. It bleeps somewhere on his left and he turns to see the small screen with all kinds of lines running across.

Hospital. He realises, he is in the hospital.

It’s like it happens all over again. Every hit, every bruise, every broken bone breaks again. The pain he seemed to somehow delay rushes all back at once. He feels it everywhere and it feels like he is having some kind of attack. He tries to take a breath, but he can’t it’s like he chokes on air not even getting it in his lungs.

The system bleeps louder and Anne tells him something he can’t hear. She yells, panic written across her face, tears falling down her red cheeks. 

He wants to say something, but it’s like in his dream. He cant. He just gulps on air and chokes again.

Anne replaces some woman Harry haven’t seen in his life. She flashes a bright light into Harry’s eyes saying something. Harry wants to ask her about Jeff, but he can’t get a word out.

It lasts for another minute and then Harry falls back into darkness. This time he is able to breathe.

**17** **th** **of January, Los Angeles**

When Harry opens his eyes he knows where he is and why. He looks around, he is alone now.

He still have wires attached to him and system bleeps much more quietly now. He focuses on the rise of his blanket where his toes should be. He squeezes his eyes shut and moves them. He opens one eye to look and breathes relieved seeing both of them move.

“Thank God.” He breathes. His throat doesn’t seem to be as dry anymore.

He hears the sound of door clicking shut meeting his sisters eyes. Gemma stands by the door frozen. It seems like she is afraid to move, scared that if she does Harry will crumble in front of her.

Her eyes isn’t as puffy as Harry remembers his mothers eyes to be, but her nose is still red.

“Hi,” she says watching Harry carefully. Her hand still on door knob.

“Hi,” Harry answers forcing himself to smile. It hurts.

She comes closer, her eyes locked on Harry and sits on the chair next to his bed. Her lips twist and form a little smile.

“How are you feeling?” Gemma asks and smirks at her own question.

“I don’t even know.” Harry answers. “How bad is it?” He questions.

“As doctors said you were born lucky. Got through with three fractured ribs, concussion and bruises here and there. They kept you asleep for couple of days so that you could heal up a bit.” She explains.

“I guess... How is Jeff? Is Glenne with him?” Harry questions trying to sit up higher, but it makes his right side hurt and he falls back on the pillow with a huff.

Gemma doesn’t answer. She just looks at Harry silently and shakes her head.

“What is it?” Harry asks trying to understand.

“He... He didn’t make it Harry.” She says and breaks down in tears. Her body shakes as she leans forward and hides her face in her hands.

Harry just stares at her not understanding. How? How he can survive with some stupid fractures and bruises? It didn’t make any sense.

“No,” Harry voices shaking his head. “No, it can’t be true.” He continues. He doesn’t want to believe that his best friend is gone now. That he won’t see him again.

He remembers his dream. He remembers Jeff saying something about always being there when Harry needs him. It didn’t make any sense now when he was gone. Harry needs him now. He needs him to come back, to be alive and here.

It hurts. It feels like something else breaks in his chest then and there. It hurts so much that Harry can’t stop tears that escape his eyes. He cries silently not believing that his best friend is gone. That Jeff won’t be by his side anymore.

He thinks about Jeff’s family, what they are going through. 

Glenne. 

He realises that Jeff won’t be able to marry her anymore. That Glenne will never know that Jeff wanted to propose to her. 

His pain turn into guilt. It was because of him. It was Harry’s fault. He wanted to see the ring. Because of him Jeff unbuckled his seat belt. Because of Harry they didn’t notice the car coming. Harry and his stupid thoughts of them. He jinxed their life together. He took Jeff away from Glenne. He robbed her of happines they could have.

He feels angry now as his tears fall down his cheeks. Angry at himself of what he did. He was so selfish.

“It’s my fault.” Harry grunts.

“It’s not. Don’t say that Harry.” Gemma sobs looking at his brother. She shakes her head disbelieving.

“It is. It’s my fault he is dead now.” Harry goes on pain blurred with anger and guilt.

“It’s nobody’s fault Harry. Just stop it.” She raises her voice and reaches out to squeeze his hand.

“It is” Harry says. His vision blurrs together everything he sees in front of him.

“Why would you say that?” She questions holding tighter onto his hand.

“I wanted to see it. It’s my fault he didn’t have seatbelt on.” Harry exclaims roughly wiping at his eyes. He winces touching his forehead.

“What are you talking about Harry! Stop it!” Gemma shouts trying to stop Harry from touching his face.

“It’s my fault he didn’t have seatbelt on!” Harry shouts back his silent tears turning into broken sobs.

“He had Harry. It wasn’t your fault, he had seatbelt on Harry. Stop blaming yourself.” Gemma says calmly wiping at her cheeks.

Harry looks at Gemma, frowning. It doesn’t make any sense because he swears that Jeff took it off when reaching for the ring. Was he dreaming? Was that yet another dream blurring together with reality? 

He shakes his head not believing and at the same time trying to understand.

**20th of January, Los Angeles**

Harry’s house in LA suddenly feels too crowded. It’s been just a day since he was allowed to leave the hispital, but at what price? He has his family here. It’s just Robin, his step dad, Anne and Gemma. Yet it feels like he needs a space. 

He sits on his bed and stares out of the window. It’s raining. It barely ever does in LA.

“Harry?” Anne asks standing at the door. Harry looks at her. “You ready to go?” She adds coming closer.

Harry just shrugs. It’s his best friends funeral. How can you ever be ready for that? There is also this thing. Harry hasn’t seen anyone from the Azoff’s since the accident, not even Glenne and that makes him question. Do they know it was his fault?

“I know it’s hard.” Anne starts sitting next to him on the bed.

“Let’s go.” Harry says emotionless standing up. He knows that he shouldn’t be this cold to anyone, but he can’t help it. He has to stay strong through this and if that meant locking his emotions away, he’s ready to pay the price.

He walks down the stairs hearing his mother following him.

He doesn’t even meet the eyes of Robin or Gemma and steps outside where the car is already waiting for them.

He feels his family’s eyes on him all the way to the place where the ceremony happens. He understands that they are worried about him, but he wishes that they would leave him alone.

He almost smirks at the thought. All those weeks ago he couldn’t wait to fly back to UK, to see his family. Now that they are here he wants them gone, he wants to be left alone.

Soon enough they arrive at the place and the car stops. Harry sees the huge crowd of people that has come to say their goodbyes. It makes it difficult to get out of the car.

Harry makes his way down the graveled road. He doesn’t even have to look to feel everyone’s eyes on him. It’s like they know it was his fault and it takes just a matter of seconds for Harry to think that all these stares are meant to be judgemental.  _ Why is he here?  _ He thinks he hears someone say.  _ Didn’t think they would want him here. It was his fault. It should have been him.  _ It’s all whispers. More and more of them as he proceeds through the crowd. He fists his hands feeling the anger boil inside of him. If only they would stop. Don’t they understand that Harry can hear them?

The ceremony starts. Harry keeps his distance although Anne tries to get him to go closer. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t see Jeff like this. 

Harry lifts his gaze and sees the back of Glennes head. She stands close with Jeff’s mother, holding each other close. Harry wishes for a second that he could do it. That he could just go and look in Glennes eyes without seeing the blame about accident in hers.

Harry hasn’t cried ever since he was told that Jeff didn’t make it. It seems like he left his heart in that very same hospital room and came out emotionless. He has tried to let his emotions take over, but all he feels is anger. Guilt that Jeff is dead because of him. 

Even now he stares at where the casket with Jeff’s body is and he feels nothing. No pain, not even the feeling that he has lost his best friend. That it’s Jeff who’s going to be burried six feet under the ground. The person that has been as close as Harry’s own family. He knows he should cry, but he can’t. 

~

They keep small reception in some restaurant. Harry was against it. All he wanted was to just return to his house and move on with his life. He had already three cancelled concerts while he was at the hospital. He needed to get out on the stage and let himself try to forget.

He stands in a far corner just watching everyone talk. He even hears someone laugh and it makes Harry cringe. He stands there minding his own buisness of doing nothing and then it happens. He doesn’t know why he turns his head. Doesn’t know who made him do it, but his eyes meet hers. His eyes locks on Glenne across the room and she looks back at him. Her eyes are red and glossy and she stares back at him. Something happens inside of Harry’s body and he feels the urge to get out of here. It’s like walls are suddenly pressing on him. The room gets too small, he can’t breathe. He feels too hot and suffering in it. 

He runs outside hearing somebody call after him. He doesn’t stop, doesn’t look back. He runs up to their driver and asks for a key of their car. He gives it without second thought. Harry jumps in and tires screaching against the gravel drives away.

He drives aimlessly with no thought where to stop. He just drives, tries to escape the guilt that follows him. He feels it crawl up his neck and form a lump in his throat. His eyes glass over making him blink rapidly to see the road. It’s like all of the emotions finally catch up. Guilt switching pain. 

He hits on the brakes and stops at the side of the road. Harry jumps out of the car and runs. His tears are blurring his vision until he falls. His knees hit the small, sharp rocks, but it’s nothing like the pain he feels inside of him. Harry doubles over squeezing his hand over his heart. It hurts.

Somebody’s hand lands on his shoulder. The same hand cups his chin and makes him look up. It’s Glenne. Somehow she found him. She is crying too. Big, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. It all blurrs together and then she pulls Harry into the hug and holds onto him. Harry holds her too, he holds her with all he’s got and their sobs turn into one. Their pain of loss becomes one whole. 

“How could you.” She sobs into Harry’s shoulder.

Harry shakes his head unable to speak.

“How could you.” She repeats.

“I’m sorry.” Harry chokes out, his own tears soaking her dress. “I’m sorry it was my fault.” He sobs.

“How could you.” She shakes her head and leans back until she sees Harry. She frowns at him trying to wipe away her never ending tears. Glenne cups Harry’s face in her hands and stares at him. “How could you leave me too?” She cries.

Harry frowns in the midst of his sobs. It didn’t make any sense. Didn’t she hate Harry?

“You left me alone Harry. Jeff left and you did too. How could you!” She raises her voice letting go of his face, fisting her hands against Harry’s chest.

Harry wishes that she would hit him. Let her anger that’s replaced the pain take over and hurt him, just like Harry hurt her.

“I thought you hated me.” Harry says.

Glenne looks at him puzzled. “I’d never hate you Harry. You hurt me, but I’d never hate you.” She says.

“I’m sorry.” Harry breathes hanging his head.

She doesn’t say anything just pulls him back in the hug and holds tightly. “Never do that again to me.” She whispers and Harry nods. He couldn’t dare to hurt Glenne again. Not when she has followed Harry out here and assured she doesnt hate him. Harry’s heart feels a little lighter now. Now that he has let the pain of loss in and kept guilt away, he feels a little lighter, like he can breathe again.

They stand up from where they’ve been kneeling. Harry’s knees hurt, his suit pants are probably ruined, but he couldn’t care less.

“You wanna go back?” Glenne asks wiping at her cheeks. Harry shakes his head “no” deep crease forming between his brows. “Okay. I’ll get you home.” Glenne says linking her hand with Harry’s and tugging for him to follow. 

Harry smirks at the word “home” he hasn’t had one since he was sixteen. It’s always just a place, just a house he lives in, but never his home. He has always releated to the saying that home is where the heart is and right now his heart is homeless.

They chose Glennes car. Any of them daring to drive alone. Harry couldn’t bare himself with his own thoughts right now. They leave the car Harry arrived in on the side of the road, Glenne giving a call for somebody to come and pick it up.

“Can we go to yours?” Harry asks halfway to his house.

Glenne looks at him and nods.

“My family is there and I don’t feel like seeing anyone right now.” He fels the urge to explain.

“They will be woried.” Glenne says.

“I’ll text. Let them know.” He answers reaching in his pocket. “Shit. Can I use yours?” Harry asks after realisisng that he hasn’t got his phone with him.

Glenne nods at the glove compartment. He opens it and reaches for her phone. He somehow presses on the button and her screen lights up. There is a picture of Jeff, happy, smiling at him. It almost sends Harry into another round of crying, but he blinks away the tears and gulps past the lump that starts forming in his throat again. It’s painful to see Jeff like this, especially if the last time Harry saw him was him emotionless staring back at him. 

Glenne reaches out and takes the phone out of Harrys hands and hands it back once its unlocked. She tries to give Harry a smile, but it’s too clear in her eyes that the picture of Jeff brings her pain too, just different kind of pain.

Once Harry text his mother that he is fine and will be back tomorrow he places the phone back where he took it. They doesn’t talk for the  rest of the way both of them locked in their thoughts.

~

They arrive at the house Harry knows so well, probably better than his own. The memory of all the times he’s visited Jeff and Glenne here rushing back. He will always remember that one summer when all three of them decided to have a barbecue. Nobody knows how, but at the end it turned into water fight and them sitting in the grass, soaked wet, eating burnt burgers and watching the sun set before their eyes, just talking about life.

They don’t go outside though. Instead, Glenne pulls him along upstairs and leads to one of their guest bedrooms. She crawls into bed under the covers and Harry silently follows her. They wrap their hands around each other and link their legs under the sheets. 

“I miss him.” Glenne says after a while, her head moving slightly as she situates herself under Harry’s chin.

“I miss him too.” Harry whispers. “I feel like a part of me is gone with him.”

“It’s scary how much one person can change your life.” She adds. Harry shivers feeling her breath against his chest. “It’s just… I feel like any moment he will come through the door and all of this will turn out to be just a bad dream.” She says sniffling a little.

Harry nods understanding. He knows the feeling too well.

“There is something I need to tell you. I feel like you should know even though he made me promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone.” Harry starts making Glenne move and face him.

“What is it?” She questions frowning.

“Before the accident he…” Harry starts. He bites his lip and for a second directs his eyes somewhere else finding it difficult to look into Glenne’s. “He wanted to marry you Glen.” He finally says watching her stare at him. Her eyes fill with tears and roll down her cheeks, but she smiles.

“Thank you Harry.” She says her voice breaking. She settles back under his chin, her head pressed against his chest. Harry can feel her silently crying, her tears soaking in his shirt and landing on his bare skin.

Harry holds her through it until she falls asleep and Harry follows her soon after.

_ “Now, I’ll see you in the better place.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for getting this far! x


	4. For reasons we don’t understand.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis looses it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4th chapter is here. apparently I love torturing readers...
> 
> As every time and as long as this fan fic is going to last, I wanna say BIG FAT THANK YOU to [Trisha](http://irretrishtible.tumblr.com/) and [SJ](http://livelove-sjones.tumblr.com/) for beating this for me. Thank you!!! <3
> 
> I wanna thank every single one of you for following and reading this story!  
> I have also made a trailer for this story. You can watch it [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/140211004319/harry-styles-world-famous-pop-star-living-a-lie) and follow the tag [untainted](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/untainted/) on Tumblr for all things this fic.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> **Note:** There is nothing triggering in this chapter, no need to worry.

**13** **th** **of January, Manchester, UK**

Louis wakes up the following morning as his alarm goes off. He slides out of his bed determined to get to work. He does a quick job of getting ready and eating some of the leftovers his mom packed for him yesterday; she wouldn’t just let her son leave empty handed at which he just rolled his eyes. Now as he eats his ham sandwich he rolls his eyes for a different reason, it feels close to heaven.

Once he is done he locks his house and jumps in his car heading to work. He feels happy and even sings along to some of the songs that he knows the lyrics of. Soon enough he arrives at work. He greets the receptionist downstairs as he does every morning and proceeds to the lift which takes him to the 5th floor.

As he walks down the long corridor between the employee booths he hums a tune and sways his hips more than usual. He sees Niall typing something on his computer, box of doughnuts sitting on the edge of his desk. He must be deep in his own world since he doesn’t even notice when Louis reaches out and grabs the last of his food. 

Louis chuckles waving his hand just as he heard Niall call after him “Good morning!” 

He enters his office and settles in his chair giving a few spins after he finally stops to look at Niall who finally has followed him in.

“I’m listening,” Louis says smiling and sets his elbows on the desk.

“Nothing planned for this morning, but I have received this,” Niall starts taking a step forward and slides a golden envelope across the desk to Louis. “You might have a busy evening though,” he smiles.

“What is it?” Louis questions as he opens the envelope. He takes out the postcard of the same color emblazoned with a little house on it, inside it reads:

_ Our first HOME! _

_ We’ve finally settled down _

_ and found our perfect house. _

_ Please join us for our _

**_Housewarming Party!_ **

_ On January 13th at 6:00 p.m. _

_ 37 Hazel Rd, Manchester _

_ no rsvp necessary! _

“Okaaaaay,” Louis drawls out as he finishes reading. The postcard is signed under Smith and he has to think a little which house he has sold to them and where. “Smith?” Louis questions looking at Niall.

“About month ago, Louis. Two story house, 10 minute walk from Heaton Park? Quite nice lady, in her 20’s possibly.” Niall answers looking at his ipad, where all the information about the said woman was found.

“Ahh, yes!” Louis exclaims remembering the woman. “Sophia, was it?” Niall nods.

“Should I contact her? Let her know you are attending?” Niall asks.

It’s not the first time Louis has received an invitation to a housewarming party for one if his clients, for a second he thinks to decline, after all he is not obligated to attend and it wouldn’t be the first time he does. But something makes him think that he should attend this one.

He remembers her quite clearly now. Obviously she was about his age, very friendly and nice. Louis quite liked her. And the fact that he hasn’t been out to any party or club, not that he ever was into those things, makes him decide to accept the invitation. After all going out would only be good for him, he may get new customers who are looking for houses to buy.

“Yeah, let her know I’ll attend,” Louis answers smiling.

Niall nods and walks out leaving Louis alone. He stares at the door for a moment and then turns without any thought and opens the company’s home page.

He finds all the listed houses for sale and breathes relieved seeing that “his” house is still listed for sale. It wasn’t that he was worried, but you never know when Nick could get lucky and sell it, stealing Louis chance of having his dream house.

He smirks closing the page and once again reaches for the golden envelope. At least his evening seems to be sorted.

~

“Wakin’ up beside you I’m a loaded gun, I can’t contain this anymore, I’m all yours I got no control, no contro-o-o-ol” Louis sings along to the radio as he rummages through his closet. The invitation didn’t say anything about a dress code, so Louis decides to go for something that he could pass off as normal or casual. He places his shiny leather shoes outside his closet  for him to wear later. He exhales in relief when he finds his black jeans. He skips his eyes over the rack of clothes hanging in front of him and settles on simple black shirt. He is wearing a dark blazer on top of it, just incase the party is formal. With his leather shoes, jeans and a blazer he looks as if the ensemble was tailor-made for him. He can discard the blazer and go for more casual look being left in just his black shirt if need be.

He tries to smooth away the visible crease on his shirt, but it doesn’t go away. He contemplates toleave it at that, but he doesn’t give in and looks for the iron already unbuttoning his shirt.

“Sorted” he breathes looking how wrinkle disappears under the pressure and steam. “Shit!” He exclaims noticing the time. It shows ten to six, he is going to be late and he doesn’t like to be. He swears, practically throwing the iron off of the shirt and wearing it in the hurry. He doesn’t even bother buttoning all the buttons thinking he could do that while walking to the car. He quickly wears his shoes and grabs the blazer. He feels for his phone in the pocket and sighs in relief. He is out of the door and has locked it in two minutes.

As Louis speeds down the road he feels like he has forgotten something. Something bothers him, but he can’t quite figure it out. 

“Phone, check. House keys, check. Invitation, check. Sorted” He chuckles brushing away the thought. He turns on his car's stereo and sings along.

~

When Louis accepted the invitation, well, let's just say he didn’t expect to see that many people. As he parks his car in front of the private house he sees a crowd going inside, tens of cars were parked on the property. Louis checks his hair in the rearview mirror, just a couple of stray hairs to smooth and he is ready. He notices that most of the guests are casually dressed and he decides to leave his blazer in the car.

After he locks his car, he walks up to the open front door. It’s still quite cold outside and a sudden gust of wind makes Louis shiver. As he approaches the door he hears music and the way it sounds is too authentic to be a record, he figures that Sophia hired a live band.

“I’m so happy that you are here,” Louis hears a woman’s voice say. He turns around and as soon as he does, he recognizes the person.

“Sophia!” Louis smiles. “Thank you for the invite, you’ve done a good job,” he adds gesturing at the space around him. 

“No, no. All thanks go to you for helping me find my home,” she says approaching Louis and kissing him on both cheeks. 

It takes Louis by surprise and he giggles awkwardly kissing her back. He is more of a hugging type of person, but he guesses if one of his parents were married to Italian he would be the  same.

“I’d say it’s my job,” Louis jokes and both of them laugh.

“Feel free to look around, I’ll see you again in a bit.” Sophia says smiling and then she is off greeting another pair of guests.

Louis makes his way further in the house following the music. He finally reaches the large room with crystal chandeliers and long beige curtains. In the far end there is a little stage and as Louis expected a tall, skinny and blond-haired guy with high cheekbones and a sharp jawline stands on it and sings his heart out as a rain of lights fall over him. It’s really breathtaking to look at him and by the way everyone else stands around alone or in groups and just watch him, Louis figures he has some kind of magic within that keeps the audience hypnotized.

When Louis has finally gotten out of his sudden hypnosis by this beautiful man, he decides to find something to drink. The bar isn’t far. Louis literally only has to take three steps and the man behind it already asks what would he like to drink.

“Just a glass of Peroni, please,” Louis says finding a seat by the bar. He has to drive to his house by himself so he allows himself just one drink.

“That guy is good,” Louis says to no one in particular.

“Zayn,” a voice answers and Louis turns his head to look at the bartender.

“What?” Louis questions as he is handed the drink.

“His name is Zayn,” the bartender repeats smiling.

“Woah, how come I have never heard him before? With that voice he should be on every radio station,” Louis wonders and sips on his drink.

“He just got into music industry. People say he’s gonna be big, maybe big enough to top Harry Styles,” the man says casually and his last sentence makes Louis almost spit his drink.

“Well, I wish him luck,” Louis concludes wiping at his mouth. He isn’t into music and doesn’t care who is running the music industry, but as long as he has good music to listen to during his way to work or chilling he is happy. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Harry Styles or Zayn or anyone else.

~

Louis meets quite a few people and even manages to recognize some of his past clients. At first he thought that attending the party would be pointless, but once he had his first drink he became more relaxed and by the time Sophia is calling them all together for her speech has his own little circle to hang out with. 

As Louis listens to her speech and observes the way she thanks almost every person in the huge crowd, he knows that sooner or later his name will be spoken out loud and he won't escape the weird staring. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be recognized or known, it’s just, something about the fact that these strangers will know something about him gives him this uneasy feeling like he is giving away his face. You can know the name, but once you give that name a face it changes things. 

Louis doesn’t know most of these faces and he doesn’t know their history. Louis has a history. His name has a history. History that haunts Louis in his sleep, he even feels like weeks after, it follows him around outside the dreams. He doesn’t know what can happen once they start digging, searching, acting like they should have answers. And that’s where the questions will start. It all comes back like a floodgate opened.

“Thank you all for being here. And last, but not least I want to thank Harris estates for finding my home for me,” Sophia says bringing Louis out of his thought. He breathes and their eyes meet across the small space. If anything Louis hopes that she can see how grateful he is that she didn’t mention his name out loud, but thanked the company instead.

Louis smiles nodding slightly and exchanging a look with her before she continues and ends her speech with “enjoy your stay”. 

He decides to walk around the house by himself after the speech is done. He feels like he needs a short moment to be alone before he can communicate with anyone again.

Louis walks down the silent hallway of the house, the musician's voice just a silent whisper. He stops at the wall where Sophia seems to have hung all of the pictures of her and her family. There are pictures of her with parents, which seems to have been taken in Italy, pictures of her skiing and pictures of her in her childhood. There are also some pictures with her and some guy, in the tropics on a yacht.

Louis doesn’t seem to remember the guy’s face from today. He has these puppy-like brown eyes and his grin makes them squint into little slits. Louis has to hold back his own grin looking at him.

“You okay there?” A voice says startling Louis. He turns to see the same man from the pictures looking at him curiously.

“Erm.. No, I mean yes, I’m okay, just admiring the pictures,” Louis points with his thumb to the pictures as he watches the guy come closer.

“She is kind of obsessed with photographing everything,” the guy chuckles bringing to life the same grin from the pictures. “I’m Liam, Sophia’s boyfriend,” he adds reaching his hand out.

“Nice to meet you Liam,” Louis smiles shaking his hand. “I’m Louis, Louis Tomlinson,” he adds and he can pinpoint the moment when Liam recognizes Louis’ name, and maybe his history as well, when his handshake falters. After all his name was all over press.

“Nice meeting you too,” he says. “Sorry I didn’t mean to be rude,” Liam adds his eyes turning a little sad.

“No problem mate,” Louis forces a smile.

“Erm thanks for selling her this house though, it’s amazing,” Liam rushes to add. “Have you seen what she’s done with the exterior? You have to see it, let me show you.” He says spinning around and almost grabbing Louis by the hand and pulling along.

“Sorry, do you mind if I go alone? I mean, I’m sure Sophia is waiting for you? I wanted to get some fresh air anyway,” Louis says smiling apologetically. Liam nods at Louis words and with another handshake leaves Louis alone in the hallway.

“Fuck,” Louis breathes swearing and steadies himself with a hand on the nearest wall. He feels a little sick  and suffocating inside. He breathes again and makes his way outside. It’s gotten dark. The winter covering the world into darkness already by 7. Louis can’t see much of the garden despite the fancy solar lights, but of all he can manage to see, he can say that Sophia, or her gardeners, has done a good job.

Louis stands just outside the entrance and reaches inside his jean pocket for the cigarette he put there. He doesn’t usually smoke, doesn’t even call himself a smoker, hell, he hates smoking, but sometimes he uses it as a way to relax, calm the nerves down. He usually smokes when he is stressed or nervous, and Liam recognizing him makes him feel anxious and fidgety. When he was arriving to the party he didn’t know he will need to use it, but here he was an hour later inhaling the nicotine into his lungs.

He watches the white smoke fade into the darkness, keeping his thoughts away. Instead he focuses on the beat of music that reaches his ears. He taps his hand along to the rhythm and soon enough he is discarding the end of cigarette and makes his way back inside.

He wanders back into the same room with the live music and a crowd that seems to get smaller and smaller as time goes. Louis sips on water he manages to grab off the tray as the waiter pass and his eyes land on Liam. He is standing in the far corner talking with some people. As Louis watches him he notices his eyes look at something off into the distance. It’s only for a short moment, but it’s long enough for Louis to follow his gaze. 

Zayn.

He holds back a smile as he sings, his voice filling the room and his eyes locked with Liam’s, but as soon as Liam directs his eyes off of him he too turns slightly and gazes his eyes over the crowd.

Louis smirks listening as Zayn sings “It’s okay to want me, ‘cause i want you”, this sudden exchange amuses Louis and he silently thanks whoever for keeping his mind away from his past. Louis doesn’t know what to make of it or what to think nor does he really care.

“Isn’t that Louis Tomlinson,” someone says and Louis recognizes the voice straight away.

He turns around forcing a smile on his face as he sees his former co-worker and past fling.

“Luke, what a surprise,” Louis exclaims reaching out to shake his hand unwillingly.

Louis can feel his eyes roam down his body as he shakes his hand. It makes him feel a little uncomfortable.

“I must say I’m surprised to see you too,” Luke smirks letting go of Louis hand. “I take it you are still with Harris Estate’s?” He questions tilting his head.

“Yes, indeed I am,” Louis says rolling his eyes.

“It shocks me how you can still work there,” Luke interjects reaching out to grab a flute of champagne from the passing waiter.

“It ended badly for you, it doesn’t mean I’ll follow your tracks,” Louis says his palms forming into fists. He knows Luke too well, knows where this conversation is heading.

“You never know,” he says winking as he sips on his drink.

It makes Louis feel like throwing up. As he looks at Luke now, he can’t understand how he once was in love with him. So in love that he was ready to give up his job for him. He didn’t realise how blindly stupid he was, so overtaken by love that he couldn’t see Luke slowly destroying the world Louis had built for himself. Thankfully, Louis woke up from that nightmare he called love.

“In this case, I do know,” Louis says smirking, keeping the lump in his throat down.

“Okay,” Luke says lifting his hands up in a defenceless matter. “How about lunch to catch up? Like in the good ‘ol days. Hm?” He questions leaning closer.

Louis almost wants to agree. He almost wants to believe this facade Luke has built. He almost believes that a man like Luke can change. He almost gives him chance.

“No,” Louis simply responds and without any other word walks away. His hands shake as he walks with no intention to stop. He reaches in his pocket and swears remembering that he already used his cigarette. He should have taken two, just in case. 

“Next time,” he murmurs, aimlessly walking through the crowd. It almost feels like he’s going in circles.

“You okay there mate?” Louis hears a voice say bringing him out of his reverie. 

He turns around searching for the voice, face, for the person talking to him. Liam emerges from the crowd seeming like a blur in Louis’ eyes.

“Y-yeah,” Louis says blinking, looking at Liam. “Do you happen to have any cigarettes?” He adds once Liam steps closer.

“No, but I know a guy who might have,” he responds smiling. “Meet you outside?” Liam adds already turning to a different direction.

“Yeah. Okay,” Louis slowly makes his way through the crowd to the nearest exit.

Once he is outside he breathes in the cool air letting it fill his lungs. He jumps upon hearing the door open and turns to see Liam smiling.

“Got it,” he says closing the door behind. He walks and stands next to Louis handing him the cigarette. “Here,” he smiles and goes to sit on the cold, rock stairs.

“Thanks,” Louis says searching for his lighter. He places the cigarette between his lips and lights it. He inhales the nicotine and slowly exhales feeling every nerve and every muscle loosen. He smiles at the sky as he leans against the closest wall and crosses his ankles. “Thanks mate,” he says once again.

“No problem” Liam responds finding the hole in his jeans surprisingly important. “I could not help but notice how tense you were. Who was he?” He questions picking at the crack on their pavement.

Louis looks at him a little taken back. He is not in a mood for sentimental conversations or anything related to his past, including Luke, but there is something. Something that pokes at his heart. It’s almost like the good and the bad are having a fight.  _ It’s been awhile since you have let anyone in. _ It says. He looks at Liam and he kind of feels bad.

“I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about it-“ Liam adds.

“Just someone I knew,” Louis finds himself saying.

“Past?” Liam questions falling silent.

Louis just nods, inhaling another drag of smoke. “We used to work together until he almost ruined everything,” Louis says puffing out clouds of smoke.

“I see,” Liam says standing up and brushing the dust off his clothes.

“I don’t really like to go into much detail,”  _ if you don’t mind _ left unspoken. Louis hopes Liam can understand that it’s a dark place of Louis’ past and he confirms it by nodding. Louis feels relieved. He finishes his smoke as Liam reach for the doorknob. They separate just before they walk back into the ballroom choosing to go their own ways. 

~

When Louis has thanked Sophia once again for inviting him, he heads back to his house. He drives down the silent street covered by darkness and mist. He reminisces of all the events of the day and thought that it was obvious something between Zayn and Liam was going on. He wonders if Sophia knows or suspects what’s happening between those two. He can’t help but go back to the short conversation he and Liam had shared. He seems to understand too. He smirks at the thought when suddenly he hears sirens in the distance and bright lights breaking their way through the mist.

A frown replaces his smirk as he drives closer to the road that leads  to his house. The mist gets thicker enveloping his car and the space around him, the sirens still calling in the distance. 

It’s not until he drives out from behind the trees hiding his house from the view that he sees it. 

Half of his house covered in white smoke, flames grabbing at his windows and roof, men in uniform and heavy boots running around and fighting the fire. There are at least three firetrucks and couple of police cars in his driveway.

Louis doesn’t even notice when he stops his car and climbs out of it. The smell of burnt wood and fabric hits him, hotness still radiating to where he stands some feet away from his house. His ouse that is being destroyed by smoke, fire and water. 

It feels like a nightmare. Without a second thought he feels for his phone which isn’t there. He looks down at his hand grabbing a blazer that isn’t there. He breathes in frustration as he opens his cardoor again and reaches for the blazerfinding his phone in the pocket. He unlocks his phone as he sees a policeman approaching him. He has missed calls from his boss and even Niall, some from an unknown number which he figures must be police. 

“Evening Sir,” the man in the uniform says stopping right next to Louis’s car.

“Hello,” Louis says locking his phone.

“Louis Tomlinson?” He questions and Louis nods looking past him at his house.

“How did it happen?” Louis dares to ask.

“We can’t be sure yet, but fire started upstairs in the bedroom,” Police explains.

“Oh F-“ Louis starts covering his mouth. He shakes his head realising that he may be the one who destroyed his house. “Did the flames reach downstairs too?” Louis asks.

“No, not really. The neighbors saw the smoke and fire early. The Firemen made it here fast enough to not let it damage the first floor.” He explains and Louis breathes in relief. At least his office, where he kept his documents and personal photographs, was not damaged.“Thank God,” he says rubbing his face with his hands.

“Do you know who might be responsible for this?” He questions writing something down on the pad.

“That might be my fault. I think i left the iron on in the rush,” Louis shakes his head still not believing the sight before him. 

“Okay, we will contact you after we investigate more. I hope you have somewhere to stay?” Policeman asks looking sympathetically at Louis.

“Y-Yeah. Sure. Thanks.” Louis stutters reaching for his phone once again, this time to call his mother. “This is going to be great,” he says to nobody in particular as he listens for the call to connect. He hasn’t wrapped his head around the idea that his house and part of his belongings are destroyed, yet here he is calling his mother, he has no idea how to explain what has happened. Heck, it wasn’t easy for her when she was told that her son is in the hospital and now Louis is calling to tell her that his house is practically destroyed and he needs somewhere to stay. “Happy days,” he mumbles once again as his mother finally picks up.

“Hi sweetheart, what's the matter?” She asks knowing that it can’t be anything good if he calls this late in the night.

“Erm.. Do you mind if I stay at yours tonight? I’ll explain when I get there,” Louis says climbing back into the car. He feels his clothes already stink, soaked with smoke as he reverses out of his driveway and makes his way over to Jay’s house.

As he drives down the road he realises that now more than ever he needs to get that house he desperately wants for himself. He can’t help but question what if that was a sign to move out? What if it happened for a reason? Louis reaches out to turn on the stereo and fill the silence. He will figure this out once he settles at his mother’s, for now he can only hope that it wasn’t his past haunting him again.

_ “And I’m left with so much more to find _

_ And half a heart to fill.” _


	5. Can’t let go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, hi, sorry,” Harry blurts retreating his hand and turning to see the shorter lad on his right, his eyes almost electric blue from the fluorescent lights radiating from the fridge. “I’ll talk to you later,” he hurries to say into the speaker of his phone and disconnects the call. “Sorry, I didn’t see you reaching,” he apologises once again to the stranger with a shopping cart full of Coco Pops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm almost proud of myself :))
> 
> Chapter 5!! (Harry's POV)
> 
> As always BIG FAT THANK YOU to [Trisha](http://irretrishtible.tumblr.com/) and [SJ](http://livelove-sjones.tumblr.com/) for beta-ing this fic for me!! OH and also BIG THANK YOU to [Madison](http://stylesbeliever.tumblr.com/) for throwing healthy shakes out there, my Harry wouldn't be as perfect without them in my story! xx
> 
> Also, I wanna thank every single one of you for following and reading this story!  
> I have also made a trailer for this story. You can watch it [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/140211004319/harry-styles-world-famous-pop-star-living-a-lie) and follow the tag [untainted](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/untainted/) on Tumblr for all things this fic.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> **Note:** no triggers in this chapter and won't be in any further on, i'll let ya know.

**21th of January, Los Angeles**

Harry startles awake as the bright light crashes into him. He blinks trying to come back to reality and see where is he. He feels a warm body move besides him and he breathes, relieved that it belongs to Glenne.

He shakes his head, sweaty curls falling into his eyes, he brushes them away from his face as he climbs out of the bed. His knees ache once he stands and he is brought back to yesterday. He can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that Jeff is gone. His best friend is gone forever.

He feels the lump in his throat climb up as he walks out of the room to go downstairs, making his way outside to the porch. The wind bites at his cheeks as he sits down on the familiar stairs. The sun is still hiding behind early morning clouds, casting everything around into gloomy shadows. Harry feels like this is where he fits. This is what his life will be like from now on. He knows that he needs time to move on, but the thought of never being able to kept crawling in his brain. He doesn’t know if he will be able to let go. Doesn’t know if he has that much power to do so. 

The door behind him squeaks open. Harry can practically feel her presence. The way she approaches him and settles by his side on the stairs wrapping the other half of her blanket around his shoulders.

They stare into the distance listening to the silence falling around them like a thick blanket. Both of them lost in their thought and Harry wonders if Glenne’s thoughts were the same as his, close to the darkness.

“What do I do now?” She says her voice cracking at the words.

“I wish I had an answer,” Harry says. His voice sounds too distant, too quiet for his own ears, the lump blocking his throat. 

“What if this never stops Harry?” She asks her face turning towards Harry, tears forming in her eyes. 

Harry knows the feeling too well. He has thought about it too. About what his life will be like without the constant that was Jeff. He doesn’t see his life the same as it was before without him. This new chapter as the priest told them, is frightening Harry, he doesn't want to forget, he wishes that he wouldn’t have to. 

But that’s the sad truth. They have to find a way to get over it, to live their lives without Jeff and carry him in their thoughts, hearts and memories forever.

“We will get through this,” Harry whispers wrapping his arm around Glenne’s shoulder. His words doesn’t even sound convincing enough, he isn’t sure he wants to believe them, but hope is all he has left.

**28th of January, Los Angeles**

_ Harry Styles to ‘take a break’ after the meltdown at his last concert. _

_**Harry Styles is Going to Take His First Break This Year Since Becoming the World’s Biggest Artist.** _

_ According to a report in  **The Sun** , Harry Styles is on a break and has postponed the release of his fifth studio album to late November this year. _

_ Harry Styles is going through a hard time after the car accident early this month and a meltdown he suffered at his last concert.  He’s going to continue with promo for his new album, although there's been no official confirmation yet. _

_ When asked about the news by Newsbeat, the singer’s PR team said "no comment".  _

_ A source told The Sun: "Harry has been in the music industry for five years, which is an incredible run for any singer. _

_ "He fully deserves to have at least a year off to relax and not to worry about music. _

_ “He is truly sorry that he won’t be able to finish this tour. _

_ "There is absolutely no bad blood between him and his management, they are all 100% behind the decision. _

_ "It is definitely not forever and he fully intends to get back on stage at some time in the future." _

_ His supposed last concert at Maddison Square Garden on 24 January was cancelled and there'll be no tour for Harry’s fifth album.  _

_ On Sunday night, Harry played in New York on the second leg of his On the Road Again Tour when he suffered from mental breakdown in front of thousands of his fans. _

_ He had nine more North American dates followed by another 25 concerts in the UK and Ireland including six at London's O2 Arena which were cancelled as well. _

_ It's thought that the break and the decision not to tour were agreed upon in a meeting in LA last weekend. _

_ Harry Styles released his fourth studio album, Four, in 2014 with each record making it to number one in America. _

_ The singer has also had four number one singles in the UK and he was fourth on Forbes' list of this year's 100  **highest-paid celebrities**  earning an estimated $130m (£83m). _

_ Harry Styles was the big winner at last week's  **Teen Choice Awards** , topping eight categories, but weren't at the ceremony due to the touring. _

~

The decision wasn’t easy to make. If anything, Harry thought that part of him was ripped off, half of his soul was destroyed once he walked out of the familiar space of the office where, nearly five years ago, he signed his soul to the devil. They tried to talk him out of the hiatus and to be honest Harry almost accepted their proposal to take a month-long break and return to finish his album. 

Irving Azoff had none of it. All Harry could do was just stare at the two powerful man fight in front of him. It makes him wonder why he is here in the first place, what made it all escalate into this.

And then it just falls over him like a shower of ice cold water. He thinks back to that night, the night when he thought that he was ready to return to the stage. Ready to perform again in front of thousands of fans. He didn’t realise how wrong he was.

He felt giddy and anxious at first. The familiar adrenaline was filling his body, ready to go as he stood behind the black curtain that separated him from the stage. 

The tickets were sold out. Fans were fighting to get in the venue. His team released more tickets in lieu of the cancelled concerts, claiming that the next concert is Harry Styles’ big come back. Harry could hear the roar of impatient fans as they played the intro of Harry’s tour video. Everyone was ecstatic. Everyone was ready. Harry was suffering.

As soon as he stepped on the stage he knew that it was the moment where everything would go downhill. He heard the familiar beat of the song in his ear, but he couldn’t sing. His head was wiped clean of any lyrics. He tried to play it off forcing a grin on his face as he walked around the stage, panic written in his eyes. He asked for help. Nobody cared.

He managed to go through the first song, the fans helping with the lyrics here and there. He guessed he did a good job by drawing the microphone away from his mouth as if to say “lets sing” to the crowd. 

He used the moment between the first and second song to thank everyone for their support in a time like this. He asked for their understanding in case he messes up. They don’t hear. They simply scream.

Second song started with Harry in the middle of stage. All the lights turned off. Just him and the darkness. Even the fans had fallen silent. He sung the first verse building up to the chorus in complete darkness. 

One beam of light is all that it takes. It shines into Harry’s eyes so bright that he freezes. It’s so bright that with it and a thousand screaming fans it makes him freeze. He hears the music in his in-ears going distant and it fades away. His muscles clench making his body ache and that feeling is there again. That feeling of hard metal crushing his bones.

He doesn’t remember what moment he runs off the stage and to the long corridor backstage. All he hears are his boots hitting the stone floor, his heart rapidly beating in his chest. He runs aimlessly with the thought that he has to be somewhere. That there should be someone he is running to. Somewhere he should stop.

It hits him like a ton of bricks when he realises once again that Jeff isn’t there. His arms were no longer there for Harry to run to. There’s nobody that would hold him tonight after he gets off the stage.

And then he falls. His hands reach for the nearby wall as his healing knees hits the stone hard floor. His eyes spill sadness and hurt over his cheeks. He is broken. He thought he was alright, that he was ready. He was wrong.

They found him minutes later. His cheeks marked with dried tears. His eyes locked into the distance. His arms holding together his own shaking body. 

Soon enough everyone knew. Tabloids around the world wrote about Harry’s meltdown. They didn’t care that it would make everything worse, they only cared about who gets to report the story first. Harry Styles career was on the edge. Harry’s family was almost on his way back to LA then,  but Glenne assured them that she will take care of him and let them know what happens.

Irwing Azoff swore to help him.

And that’s how he ended up here. The familiarity of this space even a little bit scary. Nothing has changed since the first time harry’s been here.. The plant in the corner didn’t seem like it had grown much. It must be fake.

The dark wooden table in front of him seemed too well-maintained. Maybe Simon strived for perfection? Maybe he was too obsessed with perfection that he couldn’t stand someone like Harry, his biggest money earning machine, be unable to perform, be depressed, be far from perfect and mentally-stable. He wanted Harry to be fake, just as Simon’s never ageing face. He made Harry live a lie. To be just like the plastic plant. Fake.

Harry shrugs emotionless listening to both men still exchanging harsh words. He has stopped feeling pain and he secretly thanks the pills the doctor has prescribed him. They keep his thoughts at bay even if most of the time Harry feels like a zombie. Calm and emotionless.

His phone buzzes in his pocket reminding Harry that he has to take his pills. He stands without any word and makes his way outside the office leaving the two men. Harry thinks that they would’t even notice that he’s gone, until later when he walks out from the bathroom and Irwing is waiting for him.

“You are no longer associated with Syco or Simon,” is all he says lifting the stack of papers in his hand and gesturing for Harry to walk along side of him.

Harry smiles. Even though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes he hopes Irwing understands how grateful he actually is.

~

“How was it? Did he say anything?” Harry hears Glenne ask her father as she closes the door behind.

Harry tries to sleep, forcing his eyes to shut, but they wouldn’t. His body feels restless and heavy, like a layer of clothes soaked with water. He keeps thinking about the future, about what it can be like without singing, without performing and it scares him. It’s terrifying to think that he will need to adjust to the life without the stage and lights. Without the high that performing live gives him.

He rolls on his side fisting the pillow in his hands. The words  _ You need to get better _ repeating in his head. He knows that it will take time, a lot of time. A lot of time away from the spotlight and that’s horrifying. He doesn’t know what his life would be like if everything he knows and loves is taken away. He has to start blank. It’s like they’ve given him piece of paper, a pen and put him in an empty, cold room to write songs. Why does it feel so familiar all of a sudden?

His chest aches and he feels a lump crawl up his throat.  _ Hello my friend sadness. _ It almost seems easier to end it. End the suffering. These thoughts scare him. He has never experienced anything like this and it’s scary. He remembers when his Gran died but he felt nothing like this. He was sad, yes, but it was never as close to what he’s feeling now. 

Harry sits up on the bed that has become his at Glenne’s home. The sheets feel too rough in his hands as he pushes off it and makes his way over to the bathroom. He opens the small closet where he keeps his prescriptions. He reaches for his sleeping pills, his hands slightly shaky. It’s tempting to just take all of them and fall into a never-ending sleep.

The pills don’t even reach his mouth when he turns around with one thought.  _ I need to get away from here. _

“Glenne! Glenne!” He shouts as he runs out if the bedroom into the hallway and down the stairs.

“Harry? What’s wrong?” She emerges from kitchen where other voices fall silent.

“I need to get out-“ he says holding onto Glenne’s arms. “I need to leave, I can’t stay here, please. Help me,” he croaks, hi grip tightening.

“Yes, I’ll help you, just tell me where you want to go, H,” she assures, her brows drawing together as she looks at him.

“Away, I need to get away from here,” Harry says as he lets go of her and tangles his hands in his own hair.

“Somewhere in France? Italy?” Glenne questions pacing in front of him.

Harry looks at her puzzled and shakes his head, “No.”

“UK? Your family is there-“ she suggests stopping in her tracks.

Harry shakes his head before the words are even out. “No. You know how they will make me feel Glenne, I’ll be suffering,” he says. His hands fall by his sides heavy. He feels like giving up.

“I could find a nice house near them Harry. You wouldn’t have to live with them, but at the same time they would be close if you need them,” she tells Harry. “Let me do this for you,” she smiles, but there’s still sadness in her eyes. 

“Okay. Yeah,” Harry nods and hugs her close without any other thought. “Thank you,” he whispers in her hair.

**29** **th** **of January, Manchester, UK**

Thirteen hours later, Harry stands in front of this house. This place that Glenne found for him is within 15 minute drive away from his parent’s home. He stands in front of the two-floor brick home with large windows as he hears the taxi behind him drive away.

Stray wind blows and bites his cheek making him shiver as he walks towards the building. He forgot how cold UK was at this time of the year. He is surprised that sun has decided to shine at all. It’s still early, the space around him silent. He looks around searching for the key in his coat pocket. It’s quite private too, with the high hedges hiding him from the nosy neighbours keeping him in the 4 acres of land of the property.

He is impressed by Glenne’s choice. He unlocks the tall white door and walks inside. He is met by a large hall with a high ceiling, light flooding in from the glazed atrium entrance and stairs with balcony leading up to the second floor. The morning sunlight shines through the high windows setting the room in orange tones. He leaves his bag by the door on the light marble floor, which seem to be covering most of the first floor and makes his way through the hall and into the kitchen. The whole house seems to be designed in the same colour scheme. Dark wood and contrasting cream units topped by stone-effect work surfaces. 

He reaches for a random cupboard and shakes his head realising that it’s all empty. He moves to the fridge and it’s empty too.

“I guess I’ll have to do the shopping myself,” he mumbles opening some of the drawers and noticing that at least he has cutlery. He peaks outside the kitchen window noticing the rock patio with white furniture and a huge rear lawn that goes until the row of birch trees that mark the end of the property.

With a little bit of luck he manages to find the exit to the patio, it being masked as 4 tall sets of bi-folding doors in the living room facing the rear. As he looks at the space before him he thinks that it’s missing something, a pool. He smirks at the thought. Who would have thought that he will be this invested in his new house. The realisation almost calming; ever since he arrived he hasn’t had any thought about Jeff or self loathing. It’s almost like he has left part of himself in LA.

He hears the ringtone of his phone coming from inside the house and makes his way back in.  _ Glenne  _ flashes across his screen and he picks it up without another thought.

“How is it?” she says as soon as Harry accepts the call.

“It’s great, I’m really enjoying this,” Harry answers propping himself on the arm of the sofa.

“I’m glad you like it H,” she says dreamily.

“Yeah,” Harry agrees, “I can’t figure out if it’s the new place or the fact that I’m horribly jet-lagged, but I feel at ease, for the first time since-“ he adds leaving the fact that Jeff died unspoken.

“That’s all that matters, Harry. You are still healing and you should take as much time as you need, okay? Nobody is rushing you back into anything. For the first time in five years you are free, H. So enjoy it,” she explains; her voice on the edge of excited. 

“Thank you Glenne. Thank you for everything you have done for me, you are the best friend I could ever wish for and sometimes I feel like-“ Harry starts, but Glenne is quick to interrupt him.

“I’ll stop you right there Harry. You are like a brother to me and with Jeff gone I want you to know that I’m always gonna be here for you. I always will. I love you Harry and your happiness and well-being is all that matters to me at the moment,” she says, her voice calming and soft in Harry’s ear. 

Her words make him miss herl.

“You’ll come visit, right?” His heart fills with warmth.

“Sure I will. We are going to have a proper house warming party H. Just tell me when,” she says; smile evident in her voice.

“When it get’s warmer. I’m freezing my balls off at the moment,” Harry jokes, caught off guard by the sound of his own laugh. It’s been too long.

“Okay. Now go my birdie, go and be free,” she says one last time before they say their goodbyes and disconnect the call.

Harry still sits, his lips stretched in small smile. He feels alive. He finally feels like he will survive. 

~

By the time he has explored the rest of the house and unpacked his things in his new bedroom his stomach growled out loudly leaving him no choice than get some food. He knew that simplest way would have been if he just rang his mother, but he wasn’t ready to face them just yet, even though he knew that they are waiting for a call from him.

Harry walks down the sunlit road following the directions the app in his phone dictates, programmed to show the nearest supermarket in the area he could find.

He crosses the junction and proceeds straight as Google Maps tell him to and soon enough the Morrisons supermarket sign comes into view. He fixes the collar of his black coat while he stands at the intersection and waits for the traffic lights to signal that it’s safe to cross the road. He curses under his breath once the wind picks up and blows in his face. He knew he should have put a beanie on. He runs inside the supermarket through the sliding door the smell of fast food reaching his nostrils. 

He scrunches his nose looking around. On the left it seems like there is a restaurant. Light wooden tables and different coloured chairs lined each side of the small restaurant. Bright boards hang from the high ceiling promoting the best deals and today’s specials. It’s almost tempting to go in, just have dinner and forget about shopping for groceries. He shakes his head disbelieving and grabs the blue shopping cart making his way inside the supermarket food hall.

Aisle upon aisle, Harry wanders picking up and examining anything that would seem healthy or organic. He looks at his shopping cart carrying quite a few items in it already. He looks around aimlessly and his eyes catch the cereal section. He wonders if they have banana flavoured healthy shakes just as he notices the same flavour weetabix. He reaches the tall stocked shelves full of all the brands, colours and shapes of cereal his hand reaching for the said weetabix box. 

“Excuse me,” he calls out seeing a store worker passing with a stroller full of items to store.

She stops in her tracks searching for the voice. Once she sees Harry she smiles politely at him. “How can I help?” She asks; abandoning her stroller clearly recognising who Harry is.

He wants to reach the top of his head and hide behind his sunglasses knowing what happens when somebody recognizes him. There probably already were pictures of Harry at LAX and possibly Heathrow even though he tried to leave unseen, but you never know when there are any fans around. And anyone recognising him here would only give away his location and form crowd of fans outside the store. He wasn’t in the mood for that.

“Do you happen to have healthy shakes?” He asks.

“Don’t think so, but we probably have something similar to that in our dairy product section,” she answers smiling and Harry can practically read on her face that she is about to ask something. That and the way she is no hurry to leave.

“Thank you,” he responds and silently thanks whoever for making his phone buzz in his pocket. “Sorry got to take this,” he adds smiling at the girl and turning around just as he takes the phone out of his pocket and sees  _ Mom _ written on its screen. “Hi mom,” he says and sighs in relief making his way to the dairy products.

“Hi, my baby,” she responds her voice soft and calming. “Are you outside?” She questions hearing the advert coming through the speakers inside the store.

“Yeah, I’m grocery shopping actually. Felt jet-lagged and my fridge was empty,” Harry explains and takes a look over his shoulder to make sure the girl isn’t following him.

“Why didn’t you come visit us? You know we been waiting for you,” Anne says and Harry suppresses the urge to roll his eyes. 

He knew that his parents were waiting for him, but the fact that he wasn’t ready to face them yet was holding him back. It’s been two weeks since Jeff’s funeral and he was everything but nice towards his family then. He feels the need to get himself together first, find the inner strength and apologise for things he’s done and said during that time. He needs to heal first before he can fight another battle.

“I know mom,” he mumbles finally reaching the section he was looking for. “I will I promise, just not yet, I need some alone time. I hope you can understand,” he explains as soothing as he can. He notices the milk right in front of him and reaches for it trying to juggle the cart and phone in the same hand, his eyes averting from his aim.

“Oops-“ a voice says just as Harry’s hand wraps around the smaller one holding the same carton of milk Harry was.

“Oh, hi, sorry,” Harry blurts retreating his hand and turning to see the shorter lad on his right, his eyes almost electric blue from the fluorescent lights radiating from the fridge. “I’ll talk to you later,” he hurries to say into the speaker of his phone and disconnects the call. “Sorry, I didn’t see you reaching,” he apologises once again to the stranger with a shopping cart full of Coco Pops.

“’S alright, it’s not like it’s the last milk in the store,” he laughs making his eyes crinkle.

Harry feels his own lips forming into the smile, finding the stranger’s laugh contagious.

“Yeah, you are right,” he mumbles, his eyes skipping over to the oversized grey hoodie with  _ British Rogue _ print on it and matching shorts. It makes Harry wonder how he isn’t feeling cold with the weather like this. And then again, he’s probably used to this weather.

“No problem, mate,” he says placing the carton of milk in his shopping cart.

Harry just keeps grinning like a fool without saying any word. They exchange one last look and the lad walks away with a simple nod.

Harry is left next to the fridges, frozen, the face of the said lad still lingering in his brain. He comes out of this fazed state just as an old lady asks him to pass the low fat yoghurt off the higher shelf. He hands it to her politely, smiling and takes the carton of milk for himself.

He stands in the row waiting for his turn by the check-out, just reading the local newspaper when he hears the sound of a camera snapping a picture. He turns his back to the source of the sound and lowers his sunglasses placing the newspaper back into his cart. He tries to take even breaths and silently hopes that before the picture reaches anyone’s timeline, he be at his house; safe and sound.

He pays for his items and makes his way outside. He sighs in relief; not seeing any crowd of fans waiting for him. The road isn’t too long, he is a few feet away from the street, where his and other houses are situated, when a black Audi passes him and then suddenly stops. He slows his steps looking over his shoulder and seeing no other person than him. He tries to remember if he knows anyone who owns an Audi and would live in this area. Nobody. He clears his throat walking closer to the waiting car, trying to memorise it’s number.

“Hey, mate. Need a lift?” The already familiar voice asks lowering the window.

Harry smiles relief washing over him when he recognises the lad from the supermarket.

“I live just around the corner, but thanks anyway,” he responds gesturing at the road, he thinks that it wouldn’t be such a good idea to show strangers where he lives, especially if they seem too friendly. It always leads to something bad and the thought that this guy had already recognised him and is building a plan in his head, makes him feel worse.

“Okay. See ya!” He says and speeds off until he reaches the same street Harry is going to and turns into it.

Harry frowns still standing.  _ A neighbour then. _

~

Later in the night, Harry sits on his new white couch, a bowl of salad in his hand. He flips through the tv channels aimlessly settling on some cooking show. He can’t help but wonder what his life is going to be like now. His music, his passion is taken away from him. The stage with the bright lights has become terrifying. He never thought that something he loves so much could turn into his worst enemy.

_ You need to get better _ . Those words wash around in his mind.  _ Better how? _ He asks himself receiving only silence in return.

He gives up on the tv show altogether, switching it off and deciding that he should try to get some sleep. Once he is in his new bedroom he lays in his bed waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in.

Last thing he remembers thinking before he falls into darkness are the electric blue of eyes and the laugh that could warm even the coldest places.

**30** **th** **of January, Manchester, UK**

_ “Thanks H. I think I even have the ring with me.” Jeff grins unbuckling his seat belt to reach in the bag by his feet and take out the small box. “Isn’t this beautiful?” He asks. _

_ “No, no, please don’t!” Harry shouts seeing the familiar scene unfold before him. _

_ Harry looks at Jeff. His eyes locked on the ring in his hand. His face splits in a grin of happiness and the love he feels for Glenne. Something stirs in Harry’s gut. He knows too well now what will happen after this. He knows too well that this feeling, this excitement and happiness he should feel will fade away. _

_ Suddenly, light breaks through just like he remembers and it’s too late to comprehend what’s happening. Too late to escape the inevitable. Too late to step on the brakes and stop the car from flying across the road. Too late to wake up and stop this nightmare. _

_ ~ _

Harry pants wiping the sweat away from his forehead. His heart beats fast in his chest as he sits up trying to catch his breath. He hates those dreams. He despises it when he has to go through it again and again. It’s like giving up everything wasn’t enough.

He slides out of his bed seeing that the sun is about to rise.. He knows that he won’t be able to sleep again so he settles on finding his old running gear and use the early hours for just that; running.

Once he is ready, he walks down the long driveway hidden between the high hedges, hidden from curious glances. He walks outside through the gate making sure to lock them. He runs with no destination. Just him, chilly morning air and the Rolling Stones.

_ “Shadows come with the pain that you're running from” _


	6. Everything that you ever dreamed of.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Sorry, I didn’t see you reaching,” he says to Louis, a little crease forming between his brows and for some reason Louis has the urge to reach out and smooth it with his thumb. He dares to look at his shopping basket and he feels a little self-conscious realising that he has nothing other than veggies and healthy food, whereas his is filled with Coco pops._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Monday already!!!!
> 
> Fair warning next chapter possibly won't be posted on next Monday... I apologize in advance x
> 
> And NOW!   
> My usual and never ending thanks to [Trisha](http://irretrishtible.tumblr.com/) and [SJ](http://livelove-sjones.tumblr.com/) thank you, thank you lovelies for beat-ing my work! xx
> 
> Also big, fat and cudly hugs to all of you who keep coming back and reading the story as I write. Thank you for all the nice words and lovely comments. You lot are lovely, lovely people! Glitter and Rainbows to everyone!
> 
> As always you can watch trailer [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/140211004319/harry-styles-world-famous-pop-star-living-a-lie) and follow all things this fic [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/untainted/)
> 
> Or just come say Hi on [Tumblr!](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> P.S I'm also hosting a fic exchange, see more info [here.](http://1dsummerficexchange.tumblr.com)

**28** **th** **of January, Manchester, UK**

Louis wakes up with excitement building in his tummy. He grins widely, happy that it’s his last day of staying  at his parents house. Ever since half of his house suffered from the fire he caused, he moved out and over to his parents. The first few days was hectic. Every morning he’d wake up from the yelling and screaming of the little girls. Sometimes they would run to his room and jump on his bed. Louis likes his sleep, he likes to sleep in and nap for a while like a cat. Nobody seemed to respect that though.

He stretches, feeling happy because this morning nobody is barging through the door. It must be a good day because finally the house he was waiting for will be his. He will get to live his dream, see it come true and there is nothing that could happen today that could ruin it for him. Nothing.

He climbs out of the bed singing some tune that has been stuck in his head, getting ready for work.

“Good morning!” He sing-songs as he walks to the kitchen.

“Good morning, dear,” his mother, Jay, says just as she places the pair of fried eggs on a plate. “Breakfast’s almost ready,” she adds, brushing away stray strands of hair.

“Thanks, I’ll make me coffee,” he responds doing so. He can’t stop grinning once he sits and eats his breakfast. At times he feels a little guilty that he is overly happy to move out again, but this time it’s for completely different reason.

He still clearly remembers the first day he moved out. He was 20, his team was already on their way to be number one in football league and his first ever paycheque came through. He was over the moon when he looked at the six-digit number. It wasn’t millions, he knew that he’d never earn that kind of amount for just playing football, but it was his and enough to afford a flat and he was excited. So excited that he moved out, bought a flat in Manchester and swore to himself that he’s gonna be better at football, the best. If only he knew how much of a sacrifice it will be.

He kisses his mother goodbye and goes on his way. He drives slowly past the road that leads up to “his house” and grins feeling satisfied that the  _ For Sale _ sign is still there.

“What a good day!” He shouts in his car and turns up the music making his way to the work.

~

Louis feels it as soon as he walks through the door of Harris Estate’s building. Something seems off. He can feel his excitement waning while he makes his way up to the fifth floor.

Nick Grimshaw. He is the first person Louis sees stepping out from the lift. He looks overly happy. Like a kid on Christmas morning. 

“No,” Louis mouths his stomach dropping. “Please not the house,” he mumbles as he speeds up making his way to his office.

“G’ morning Louis!” Niall greets him, happy as always.

Louis reaches for the doorknob of his office just as James’ voice makes him jump.

“Louis, can I see you in my office?” He asks making Louis shrimp smaller.

“Yeah,” Louis responds.

“Now,” James adds making his way back into his own office.

Louis turns around, his shoulders sagging. He looks at Niall who only offers him a wide grin and a thumbs up. “Useless,” he mumbles making his way to James.

“I gotta say, I was more than surprised when I found out Nick has sold the house,” James starts making Louis raise his brows in question. “C’mon we both now he isn’t the greatest of my employees,” he adds grinning.

“Yeah,” is only word that Louis can muster.

“To be honest I was ready to tell you that the house is yours, but we had a call this morning and we couldn’t say no,” James explains reaching for his pen.

“I understand,” Louis says shrugging. “Good for them, they got a really nice house for a good deal,” he adds trying to stay professional. As hard as it is, Louis knows that he has to get over it. It’s not like the time his goldfish died when he was five. He is 24 and he needs to man up.

“You are free to choose any other house, Louis. We’ve got another few in that area,” James offers sitting back in his chair.

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” Louis smiles, “Is that all or did you want to discuss anything else?” He questions and once James shakes his head he excuses himself and makes his way outside closing the door behind.

Louis sighs. It does hurt a little realising that he won’t be able to have it. He guesses that’s what is meant to happen when he gets his hopes up about things. It’s almost like there is always something stopping him from being happy. Something that holds him back from all the joy. Something always happens when he thinks that finally things are falling into place for him. His football career was all he had, he was on top of the world and someone had to ruin it for him. Now the house. The one thing that he got so passionate about in a long time and in the last minute somebody had to rip it out of his hands. It’s tiring and scary if Louis thinks about it. What if he’s doomed? What if he is one of those people who never gets to be happy? Even his long term relationship with Luke ended badly. If anything, that only makes Louis believe that a higher power doesn’t want him to be happy. He isn’t sure how long he is going to be fighting; ow much strength he’s got to keep going. At least he still has his job.

He makes his way back to his office ignoring Niall’s questions. He sits in his chair contemplating the reason for his life. “Get your shit together Tommo, it’s not the end of the world,” he tells himself rubbing his hands together. It hurts to see his dream slip out of his hands, but there’s nothing he could change.

He starts his computer up. He’s got to work and keep going, and see what else he can find. Once the computer loads, he opens the browser to go on Harris Estate’s home page. He can’t help himself when he opens up the updated info about  _ his _ house.

“Buyer listed as  _ Private _ ? What the actual-“ Louis reads. He just wanted to see who owns it now and even that bit of information is unreachable to him. “Hmm,” he wonders. “Niall!” He shouts and after few moments, Niall runs in through the door.

“Yes, Louis. How can I help?” He asks fixing his glasses.

“Do we have any information about who bought the Ringley Park house?” Louis questions.

“I’m afraid not much. Just that it’s Private buyer and not from the area,” Niall explains.

“What do you mean not from the area?” Louis wonders tilting his head.

“The call came from United States, Los Angeles to be exact. I believe the buyer is from there,” Niall says lowering his voice and stepping closer.

“Alright. That’s not shady at all. Okay. Let me know if you find out anything else,” Louis tells. He smirks at his own words. Since when has he turned into a detective?

“Will do,” Niall salutes and walks outside leaving Louis with his thoughts.

“Weird,” Louis mumbles left alone. He goes over the new information, it’s not like he really cares who the person is, it’s just weird that they are registered as private. It’s new to Louis. Never in his three years working at Harris Estate’s has he come across a buyer like this and it just makes him anxious. Curious even. It makes him wonder why somebody from LA would buy a house without even seeing it in person. That’s a dumb move to be honest. And the fact that it’s in Manchester. Smart people would choose to live near London, in Hampstead maybe, but not here.

“Who are you?” Louis asks as he stares at the word  _ Private _ on his computer screen.

**29** **th** **of January, Manchester, UK**

Louis sighs sending out a tweet. The house was empty with just him alone. He felt over the moon when last night his mother announced that they are going to France for the week. If Louis were being honest he felt a little left out that he couldn’t be able to join his family. Then again, if he thinks about it now, after receiving a message from his mother saying that they are stuck in the hotel room because of rain, Louis doesn’t feel so sorry as he looks out the window seeing nothing but the sun in the sky.

“Happy days,” he mumbles thinking of something sympathetic to send as an answer. He remembers his milk problem and how much it really sucks when he has to do all the shopping again. He re-opens the fridge making sure that he hasn’t missed the milk anywhere. Still nothing. 

He pockets his credit card in his hoodie and slips on his pair of black Converse. He shivers a little realising that it isn’t as warm as it looked. He can feel the hair on his legs stand; him wearing only grey shorts as he makes his way to the car. He knows that he could just walk to the shop just down the main street, but he isn’t in the mood for changing his clothes and with the car he’ll be back in no time.

He parks closest to the entrance of Morrison’s supermarket. He makes his way in; the sudden temperature change makes him shiver and without any other thought he grabs the blue shopping cart. He is on a mission.

He quickly goes through the aisles already knowing where everything is. He is caught off guard when one of the store employees almost runs into him with a full stroller.

“Sorry,” she apologises smiling, her phone in hand.

“No problem, I’m still in one piece,” Louis jokes passing her. 

Soon enough he reach the aisle he’s been looking for. Cereal. He is stuck contemplating whether he should take three or just two packs of it. “One week, one week,” he repeats for himself not caring if passersby send him strange looks. “Four?” He exclaims too loudly and looks around to see if anyone noticed his excitement over choosing four packs of cereal. He places them in his basket and proceeds to find milk. 

It makes him shiver again once he walks next to the row of fridges containing anything from dairy or fresh juices. He speeds up seeing the familiar blue colour indicating the milk cartons. 

“Mission accomplished,” he murmurs just as he reach for the milk. Just as his hand wraps around the carton he watches the bigger palm wrap around his.

“Oops,” Louis says smiling. The stranger’s hand feels warm on his and it makes him wonder if they are this warm all the time.

“Oh. Hi, sorry,” the stranger apologises realising his mistake and retreating his hand. Louis already misses the warmth of it. 

He get’s a good look now on the person who tried to get the carton. Louis almost has  to do a double take when he realises that the face and hand belongs to Harry Styles. He looks at him a little curious as he ends the call with somebody and Louis instantly thinks if he recognises him too? It’s not like Louis was world famous, but his face was known all over England and if Harry Styles has been here long enough he should know.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you reaching,” he says to Louis, a little crease forming between his brows and for some reason Louis has the urge to reach out and smooth it with his thumb. He dares to look at his shopping basket and he feels a little self-conscious realising that he has nothing other than veggies and healthy food, whereas his is filled with Coco pops.

“’S alright, it’s not like it’s the last milk in the store,” Louis responds laughing. He can’t help but notice how handsome Harry Styles is in person. All that he has seen of him is his face on magazine covers. He didn’t realise that he’d be this tall and broad in person. His hair is done in one of those man buns that Louis remembers giggling about when he first saw the article quoting it. His eyes though, Louis feels a little weak in his knees for some reason when his eyes meet Harry’s green. He almost feels like getting lost in the woods.

“Yeah, you are right,” Harry mumbles and is he checking Louis’ out? He definitely is.

“No problem, mate,” Louis responds remembering not to stare as he places the milk in his shopping basket.

Louis smiles at him when there is no further words coming from him and he excuses himself with a simple nod.

Louis has met a lot of A-list celebrities in his life. Whether it was for house searching or attending housewarming parties, but he’d never met anyone outside his work except that one time when Louis was still playing football and he met David Beckham. To be honest he  was about to faint right then and there. He was his idol, because of him Louis started to play.

And Louis happens to be good at reading people. As he scrolls through the aisles he can’t help but think about Harry. As happy as he seemed there was something off. His eyes seemed off, hiding pain and that bothered Louis a little. As strange as it sounds in his own mind Louis hopes that it’s nothing that Harry Styles couldn’t overcome.

He grabs few bars of snickers and makes his way to the check out. 

“Are you fucking kidding me-“ he mumbles swearing  seeing that only one of the tills are working and there’s quite a line in front of him. As he takes his spot in the row he can’t help but recognise Harry’s tall form and black coat he was wearing. Louis watch him reading a magazine, waiting for his turn to pay.

Louis notices a teen in front of him lifting her phone. He isn’t usually that nosy and doesn’t care about other stuff around him, but he can’t help but notice that she has camera open and she is directing it towards Harry Styles.

Louis snickers rolling his eyes at the girl and the fact that Harry isn’t even aware that she is taking a picture of him. Louis bumps into her just as she presses the button to snap the picture.

“Watch it!” She growls turning around to glare at him.

Louis just lifts his hands in surrender and thumbs at the person behind him. The girl looks past him at the old lady and almost instantly turns red. Louis uses the moment to peek at her phone screen and the picture that was supposed to be Harry Styles is nothing other than a blurred back of a the jacket the person in front of her was wearing. Louis smiles satisfied. 

“For fucks sake,” she grumbled and lifts her phone again, but Harry is already walking away from the till, already paid and she received an incoming call from  _ Dad _ .

_ Karma is a bitch.  _ Louis thinks still smiling. He looks around still grinning holding back the urge to fist-pump the air and waits for his turn to pay.

Louis drives down the street, his fingers tapping against the steering wheel along with the rhythm of some tune. He is lost in his own world; he imagines being on the stage, singing. For some weird reason he thinks that he’s Joe Jonas singing ‘Levels’ to the crowd. He even licks his lips bobbing his head as he sings, imagining that the bar of Snickers is a microphone. When he glances at the rear view mirror and his eyes catch Harry Styles’ walking figure, he slows down to a stop, settling to be polite and offer him a lift. 

He is a little shocked to see him walking just like that, in the middle of the day without any security, not even a car. He watches Harry hesitate a little when he notices that Louis has stopped. It almost looks funny how he slowly approaches Louis’ car unsure of what to expect.

“Hey, mate. Need a lift?” Louis asks lowering the window when Harry is close enough. Louis can’t help but notice his relief once he recognises Louis.

“I live just around the corner, but thanks anyway,” Harry responds gesturing at the road ahead.

“Okay. See ya!” Louis smiles and continues his way to his parents’ house. It makes him wonder where Harry Styles actually lives. “Well, close enough to walk to the shop,” he mumbles, turning into driveway of the house. He takes his bag of shopping goodies and makes his way inside.

**30th of January, Manchester, UK**

Louis hurries to his car buttoning up the jacket of his suit. He jumps in noticing that he will arrive a little late. He breathes once he is seated in his car seat, going through all the things he’s done to check if he left anything on.

“Okay,” he mumbles  starting the car and speeds off to work.

“Niall, my office,” he says as soon as he walks past Niall’s desk.

Louis opens the door of his office hearing Niall’s hurried steps behind him. “Tell me,” he states going around his desk and plopping down on his chair.

“House showing at 11. Don’t know who for, but it’s the flat on Great Northern Tower, new buyer,” he explains scrolling through his iPad.

“Okay, next,” Louis questions.

“Nothing after that, Louis,” Niall shrugs.

“Hmm seems that it’s the paperwork after that,” Louis wonders linking his fingers on the table.

“Anything else?” Niall asks.

“Anything new on you know what?” Louis questions lowering his voice.

Niall looks around, afraid that someone could walk in, and goes closer to Louis.

“I might get some new info. I’m going to see Nick today, maybe I’ll get something out of him,” he whispers and smiles satisfied like he has come up with the best plan ever.

“Okaaay,” Louis drawls sitting back in his chair. “Come to me as soon as you have anything new,” he adds showing a thumbs up and watching Niall nod making his way out of his office. “Nice,” Louis smiles. He searches for the flat he is showing today and goes through the information.

~

“Are you the buyer?” Louis fake laughs seeing Luke in the foyer of the building he has a showing at.

“Believe it or not it’s me,” he says opening his arms and smiling as soon as he sees Louis.

“I see why there was no name on the file,” Louis growls going over to the lifts and calling one.

“I knew you wouldn’t agree if I listed my name,” Luke finds the need to explain. He stops next to Louis, too close for his liking. 

“Correct.” Louis says just as the doors to the lift slide open. “C’mon let’s get this over with,” he adds stepping into the lift, Luke following him.

“Is this how you treat all your customers?” Luke wonders with a smirk on his face. Louis resists the urge to slap him.

“First of all, no. And second, I have every right to treat you the way I do,” Louis responds feeling a little anxious being confined in a very small space with Luke. He exhales once the door opens. He walks as fast as he can to the door of the flat unlocking it. 

“Here we are, you want it or not?” Louis says as soon as he walks in showing the large space around him.

“How about the tour?” Luke asks smiling.

“What do you want from me? Why are you here?” Louis sighs crossing his arms. He knows Luke too well to be sure that he’s plotting something.

“I’m looking for a flat. Is that hard to believe?” Luke responds walking around in small steps, looking at the room.

“And?” Louis prods still standing in his spot, watching Luke.

“Please, agree to have a date with me,” he says taking Louis by surprise.

He is quick to recover though. “Wait. Did I just imagine things or you said  _ please _ ?” Louis questions ignoring the rest of the question.

“Yes, please, Louis give me another chance,” he says stepping closer to Louis. “No. Us. Please give us another chance,” he corrects himself and Louis is trying really hard not to laugh in his face.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Luke,” Louis smirks stepping around him. “We both know people like you don’t change. And besides I have nothing besides my work now, so you can quit this bullshit and lay the cards out,” Louis adds walking towards the floor to ceiling windows. He stands in front of it looking at the city’s panorama in front of him.

“There is nothing to be laid out, Louis,” he says, slowly approaching Louis. “Please, let me give something to you now,” he adds as he stops a foot away from Louis.

He can feel his hand on his back as he stands next to him, both looking at the city before them. Louis would probably agree to his offer if he were still young and naïve. He would let Luke back into his life so he could destroy it once again leaving him a mess behind. Not this time though. He knows him too well, too scary for his liking.

He turns towards Luke forcing a smile and Luke’s face splits into a grin. Louis almost feels sorry for how hopeful he looks at him. His hands reach out to hold Louis’ when he steps back.

“Nope. Not happening,” Louis responds stepping back and making his way towards the door. “I take it you won’t buy the flat,” he adds walking out of the said flat, closing door behind. He breathes once he is in the lift, door closed and Luke not following him. He felt a little scared of what Luke could do after another rejection. He has changed a bit though, Louis can give him some credit for that. Any other time he would have just exploded from anger.

~

He arrives back at the office and as soon as he walks out from the lift on 5 th floor he hears James’ voice calling him.

“Louis Tomlinson, we need to talk,” he says poking his head outside and disappearing again.

Louis wonders if he has some kind of tracker on him since James always knows when he arrives. He walks towards the office wondering if Luke already let him know how he treated him and if that’s why James wants to see him. There doesn’t seem to be any other reason.

He enters the office closing the door behind him.

“You wanted to see me?” Louis questions as he sits down.

“Yeah,” James exhales, “I’m very shocked that I have to say this, but I’m very disappointed with you Louis,” he says directing his stare at him.

It pings at Louis chest, he would never thought that Luke would be the reason for the downfall of his job. That he would be the reason why James would be so disappointed in him. He runs through all the scenarios of how he could have been polite to him. Maybe he should have accepted the invitation to dinner and then just bail on him. 

“I’m sorry, Luke was just-“ Louis starts trying to explain, but James is quick to interrupt.

“Can you explain why I find your assistant lurking around my files?” He asks ignoring Louis apology.

“What?” Louis looks at him in disbelief.

“Why was Niall Horan, your assistant, lurking around my files? What are you onto Tomlinson? Do you really want to follow Luke’s tracks?” James’ voice gradually raising.

Louis has never seen James angry since he fired Luke. Everyone remembers that day too well. He hopes this isn’t the day when the same thing would happen to him.

“No,” he almost shouts in defense. “I had no clue James, let me talk to him, I’ll sort this out. You know me too well, James, you know I would never sabotage my work,” Louis explains and it does hurt when the person who you look up to, someone like James that has all Louis’ trust and loyalty, would imply that he’s a betrayer.

“Then please explain, why, he wouldn’t just go lurking on his own,” James prods his voice softening.

“Okay,” Louis sighs, “I asked him to look more into the Ringley Park house I wanted to buy. On the site it shows up as Private and I guess that took over me, I’m sorry James. If that’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. All he said to me this morning was that he’s going to have a talk with Nick, he didn’t mention anything about going through your files, if I knew I would not have approved, you know that,” Louis explains. He hopes that James will trust him on this and not do anything stupid that would make Louis regret his own honesty.

“So that’s what it’s all about, Ringley Park,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“Yeah,” he agrees nodding. 

“Why didn’t you just come to me?” He asks looking a little offended and it makes Louis raise his brows in question. “You know I would share with you that little bit of information if you asked me to. Louis, you are one of the best employees by long mile. It’s disappointing to see you wouldn’t come to me,” James adds as he stands up and walks over to his file cabinet unlocking it.

Louis watches him take out one of the folders that he knows contain all the information about any particular house. Once James sits back in his chair, he places the folder on the table and slides it across to Louis.

“Here, all the information you want,” he says looking at Louis.

Louis looks at the folder in front of him. He could reach out and have all the answers he needs, but now when he thinks about it, he feels stupid. He risked his own job for one name. One name that wouldn’t change anything, it wouldn’t change the fact that the particular house is already sold. It wouldn’t just magically reappear for sale again once Louis has the name. So he does what he knows is the best thing to do. He reaches out taking the folder in his hand and stands from his chair while James is still looking at him, gauging his next move.

“Thanks, but I think I’m all good,” he says and hands the folder back without any hesitation.

James smiles at him taking the folder. “I knew you would do the right thing,” he adds nodding.

“Always,” Louis agrees smiling and without any other word he leaves the office. He’s got one more mistake to fix. “Niall, may I have a word with you?” He asks as soon he sees him, smile still present.

“Oh no,” Louis hears him whisper as he stands and follows him behind into his office.

_ “And, yes, I let you use me from the day that we first met..” _

 


	7. Spaces between us hold all our secrets.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's Gym.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haaaai! I know it's very unhealthy to post chapters the way I do and I'm really sorry for that. I'll tell you in advance that I won't be able to update next chapter on next Monday cause this week I'll have no time to write, my life will keep me the busiest I have ever been and most of it will be spent outdoors...so. I do apologize. 
> 
> As usual I wanna send big hearts and love and thank you's to my beautiful and lovely beta's [Trisha](http://irretrishtible.tumblr.com/) and [SJ](http://livelove-sjones.tumblr.com/) !!
> 
> And also big thanks to You, patient, patient readers who still keep coming back and reading this work in progress. I also wan't to apologize for drawing it out so long, like c'mon, chapter 7 and they have yet to properly meet, but I promise they will when the time is right :) (that can happen in next chapter, maybe after that...this story just writes itself, I'm here to obey)
> 
> I have very nice trailer for this fic over [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/140211004319/harry-styles-world-famous-pop-star-living-a-lie) and some stuff i have forgotten to update [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/untainted/) .
> 
> Or if you are in mood for nice conversation come say [Hi!](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com) or just yell at me how unfair I am haha.
> 
> Okay, now Enjoy!

**30** **th** **of January, Manchester, UK**

There is pain again. Harry feels it pulsing through his body as he runs. His legs feel numb where they hit the ground and carry him forward. He can feel the sweat dripping down his back under his shirt.  _ Just a few more.  _ He tells himself already slowing down, panting as he proceeds to just walk down his street. His body feels like it’s on fire, but he knows he needs it. Knows that if he stops there will be no way back. 

The sun is starting to peak from the horizon, about to rise. Harry startles a few dogs as he passes the unfamiliar houses one by one, their barking is the only sound he hears. He smiles once again thankful of the place and surroundings Glenne has found for him.

He passes the house with the short green hedge and rusty fountain in its front garden; he can’t help but notice the blue sign by the gate.  _ Tyler’s Gym.  _ It reads.  _ Box your way through life.  _ He smirks at the sign checking the time on his iPod. It’s almost seven and Harry contemplates whether he should go in and try his luck or come back later. He settles on later figuring that he won’t have anything else to do and a little walk down the street would do him no harm. Also the fact that there are no cars in the front of the building suggests that nobody’s there.

He proceeds to make his way back to his house. The soles of his running shoes silently squeaking with every step. He thinks back to his new discovery. Boxing. He rolls the thought around in his brain. He remembers all those times when he and Jeff would box in between the tour shows. It was a great way to relieve stress and let his anger out. It felt good to punch something that could take it without getting hurt.

Harry shrugs at the thought. It seems like every memory he’s ever had, every thing he’s ever done, links him with Jeff. He knows there’s no way to escape it. He can move country’s, he can give up his career, but there always will be that constant memory. That something that makes him think,  _ yes, Jeff and I did it _ . He has no other choice other than to accept it. Accept it and move on, still cherishing all the memories he’s got about his best friend.

He turns on the street, his breath now evening out, clothes sticking to his sweaty body. He stops in his tracks as he notices the same guy from the shop. He looks different, instead of a hoodie and a pair of shorts, he’s got a dark blue suit on, his hair done in a quiff, not that messy as Harry remembers. He almost looks like a completely different person as he hurries to the black Audi and jumping in. 

“Who are you?” Harry wonders once the said car speeds down the street in the opposite direction.

He walks past the house where the guy left from in a hurry and notices children’s toys scattered around on the front lawn, a deflated football in the corner by the bush and something shiny on the footpath that catches Harry’s eye. He goes closer realising that it’s a pen. He picks it up reading the engraved writing on it.  _ Harris Estate’s. _ He smirks throwing the pen in the air and catching it. He contemplates if he should just leave it on the ground coming to conclusion that he should keep it. He stuffs it in his pocket and proceeds to his house.

~

When Harry walks down the street for the second time that day, the sun is warm on his back and Harry can almost feel  spring in the air. He still has his coat and scarf around his neck, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s getting closer to Spring. He spots the familiar blue sign ahead of him and couple of cars parked in the driveway.

He cautiously approaches the front door and thinks if he should just go in or knock. He decides to knock and is about to do so when the door falls open and a guy with glasses and a bright pink quiff grins at him.

“Hiyaaaaa,” he greets, overly happy with eyes little slits behind the glasses.

“Oh Hi,” Harry says, lifting his hand and waving awkwardly. He isn’t sure if he should just turn around and run or stay.

“I take it you are interested to join the gym?” he questions, stepping aside from the entrance and letting Harry in. He props his hip against the door and lifts his wrist blowing at his bright pink nails.

“Yeah, just wanted to check it out,” Harry answers, walking in as his nostrils are filled with the smell of lavender and something else, something Harry can’t quite pinpoint, but it feels very familiar.

“Sure, I’ll show you around if you’d like?” he asks, grinning. Without even waiting for the answer proceeds further into the house. Harry falls behind still standing at the door and contemplating if he should leave his boots on. He notices the guy stroll around with bare feet and settles on doing the same.

“I know it’s not the biggest place in the area, but it’s quite private and-“ he explains, walking down the short hallway throwing his hands around as he talks. He stops in his tracks, turning around, making Harry almost run into him. “We will make sure that it stays that way Harry,” the guy grins patting Harry on the chest and proceeding through the door.

Harry stands there for a moment shell-shocked. A thousand thoughts running through his mind. He knows who Harry is and he seems- not fazed about it? Harry shrugs smiling and follows the guy in the room. 

As expected that’s where the gym is. There are a couple of men working out and they don’t seem bothered when the guy - Yes, Harry has yet to find out his name- stops in the middle of it and claps his hands together.

“Booooys,” he drawls too excitedly, almost jumping in place, his bright purple jumper like a beacon on the otherwise dark blue interior. “I want you to meet our newest member, Harry,” he turns around gesturing at Harry like he is his biggest discovery. “Say hi,” he adds, grinning wildly.

Harry smiles nervously as they look at him and grunt low Hi’s not bothered who he is or what he’s done. They just go back to their workouts and that’s that. Harry exhales.

“Any questions?” the guy asks, looking at Harry expectantly.

“N-no. Not at the moment. Just one though,” Harry says thoughtfully, “the sign said something about boxing?” he asks. As far as he can see there is no boxing rink or anything that would suggest that they offer boxing.

“Oh?” the guy frowns, for the first time since Harry arrived, his smile falters and it makes Harry feel a little guilty. “That’s just the saying to be honest,” he mumbles, scratching at his temple.

“That’s okay,” Harry tries to assure him, but the guy just spins around again and walks out of the gym. He looks at the guys working out and at the door that’s left ajar and with another sigh goes to find the guy.

“Hello?” he calls once he reaches the large foyer. He looks down another corridor and listens. Silence. “Great,” he puffs a breath of air. 

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep,” someone says, startling Harry.

He spins around searching for where the voice came from. He almost misses the old lady sitting in the corner by the window, knitting.

“Oh, hello,” Harry waves politely. She doesn’t answer just keeps knitting, light falling over her tiny, hunched form.

“But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep,” she smiles, lifting her head and looking outside.

“Hello?” Harry tries again, slowly approaching the old lady. “Have you seen where the owner went?” he asks, stopping just a step away from her. She keeps knitting, her hands working the long needles, she doesn’t even blink. He thinks of reaching out to touch her, let her know that he is here. Maybe she didn’t hear him.

“Sit, my child,” she says, her eyes locked on her working hands.

Harry looks around confused, not sure if she’s talking to him. There’s no one else around though so he slowly slides in the opposite chair in front of her. He waits for what she’s going to say, but she just keeps knitting.

“Sit and listen to the rain,” she says again and Harry realises that it’s yet another quote coming out of her mouth. He sighs ready to stand and hears footsteps coming down the corridor. He goes to stand, relieved that the guy has returned, when a cold hand lands on his, keeping him seated. He looks down at the skinny hand, slightly trembling as she keeps it on top of Harry’s. He looks up at the old lady staring at him, a small smile playing on her lips.

“Every human walks around with a certain kind of sadness. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it's there if you look deep,” she says, her smile fading, replaced with a stern look. As soon as the words are out, she retreats her hand, falls back in her chair and continues knitting.

“There you are.” The guy emerges from Harry’s right.

“Yeah, still here,” Harry answers as he stands feeling a little out of space and walks towards him.

The guy leans on the side looking behind Harry and grins wider. “I see you have met Martha,” he says, nodding towards her. “She is a little-“ he whistles circling his finger by his temples. “She isn’t really up for any kind of conversation, just sits there and knits all day,” he explains, blowing the air out, his shoulders sagging. 

“Yeah,” Harry agrees, her words repeating in his head like a mantra.

“Aaaaannyyywaaaaay-“ he drawls the words out crossing his arms on his chest. “I sorted your boxing problem, tomorrow they are delivering the stuff and I happen to know a good friend of mine who agreed to help you,” he adds, grinning.

“What?” Harry questions, taken back. He looks at him puzzled not believing that he would just do that because of Harry.

“Yeah, well-“ the guy shrugs like it’s not a big deal. “You happen to be the second person who asked about that, so I thought why wouldn’t I just have it,” he grins, patting Harry on his chest again.

“Thank you?” Harry smiles, reaching out to shake his hand. He doesn’t return it, the guy just pulls Harry in and wraps his hands around Harry’s frozen form. It makes Harry feel a little bit awkward at first, but by the time the guy retreats, he’s smiling, softly patting him on the back. His purple jumper feels soft under his touch. “Thank you,” Harry whispers once again.

“No problemo,” the guy shrugs it off grinning. “Oh!” he exclaims suddenly, his eyes going big in surprise. “I’m so rude-Tyler-“ he is the one who reaches out this time, “I’m Tyler,” he introduces himself, though it would make sense when his name is on the board outside.

“Nice to meet you, Tyler,” Harry smiles, shaking his hand.

As soon as he retreats it, he claps them together in front of him excitedly and exclaims, “I’m so happy you joined us!”

Harry nods smiling. As weird as he seems and overly happy all the time, Harry enjoys to be around such positive people, even if it seems like he will burst any time and disappear any moment. Harry much like looks forward to spending his mornings here.

He says goodbye to Tyler and starts on his way back to his house. As he walks down the street, Martha’s words come back to him.  _ Every human walks around with certain kind of sadness. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it's there if you look deep.  _ They spin around in his head like a never ending circle. Every step he takes echoes the words in his ears. 

They still spin in his head when he gets home. They follow him around in every dark corner of the walls. They sit next to him when he watch TV and hangs in the air like a dark cloud when he closes his eyes to sleep.

**6** **th** **of February, Manchester, UK**

There are good days and bad days.

In good day’s, Harry wakes up in good spirits. He opens the windows to let the sunshine in, brightening up his morning. He starts his day with a smile on his face and a beat in his step when he makes his way to the gym. As always Martha is there too. She keeps sitting in the same chair and knitting. Throwing quotes at Harry every time he takes a seat in front of her after his workout and tries to talk. Sometimes he wonders if maybe that’s the way she likes to do it, talk through the quotes.

Harry also wonders why. He has tried to talk to Tyler  about her, but he always seems to have just one answer.” _ I think she is mad,” _ is what he would say and go back to his over-the-top excited self. Harry wonders if Tyler isn’t the mad one here.

On his good days he also goes exploring. He knows that he will have to be here for a while so he might as well see what’s around. He has discovered that just nearby, where the pine trees reach  their branches gracefully in the sky and mark the end of the street, is a golf course. In his runs he would sometimes stop and watch people playing, unaware that Harry is there. They would swing their golf clubs in the air and send the tiny ball across the fields. It’s fascinating to watch.

It was also a good day when Harry finally bought a car. He contemplated whether he should buy a small, compact one or a large one, such as the Range Rover that’s currently parked in his driveway. There’s just something about having enough space around him. Somehow he thought that the small one would suffocate him.

He also happens to be running back when the lad from store goes to work. That’s what he figures anyway. He always stops, not intentionally, right before the house where he lives and sees him hurrying to his car. His hair is always swept up in a quiff as a dark blue suit clings to his small form like a glove. It makes him remember the fancy pen collecting dust on the shelf in his living room.

And then there are bad days. Days like today. When he wakes up with a ringing sound in his ears, his body screaming in pain. He doesn’t even bother opening the curtains to let the sunshine in, clearly knowing that it’s raining. He feels it in his bones. 

He somehow makes his way to the bathroom and finds the pain killers. He looks at them remembering that last time he held the bottle in his hand was about four days ago. He takes two, just so they would kick in faster and settle his body in that melancholy state he knows too well. 

He also can’t stop his own mind from once again torturing him with memories of Jeff. He sits in his white sofa aimlessly watching the droplets of rain slide down the glass. Tuk-tuk-tuk. He hears them fall against the windowsill outside. It’s much like his own heartbeat in his empty chest.

His phone brings him out of his daze; it rings way too loudly in his ears and for a moment he thinks to just ignore it.  _ Glenne _ . It reads, and with deep breath he picks it up.

“Hello?” he croaks, his voice unfamiliar to his own ears.

“Hi Harry,” she says, sadness to her tone. 

Harry exhales. “How’s LA?” he asks, watching yet another drop of rain slide down the windowpane. 

“Lonely,” she simply responds. It makes Harry’s heart ache, like someone is holding it in their hands and squeezing. She is lonely and Harry left her there.

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispers, wanting to reach through the phone and hug her.

“Don’t be. It’s just one of those days,” she responds, her tone getting lighter. “By the way, how’s St. Bart’s?” she questions curiously.

“St. Bart’s?” Harry questions. “You know I’m in Manchester, right?” he adds cautiously looking around.

“I know, but it seems like Simon isn’t going to make your transfer so easy. Every news outlet as far as I know is reporting of you being in St. Barts with Kendall,” she explains, and even though Harry can’t see her he can feel her shrug at the words.

“Not again,” Harry exhales, rubbing his forehead. “I’m so not up for this today,” he drawls, looking at his toes and the way the  _ Big _ tattoo has almost faded from his toe.

“I’d say contact the press and shut those rumours down, but I know that you are way smarter than that. You’ll find your way,” she says, her voice soothing in Harry’s ear.

“Yeah, you are right,” Harry smiles and just like that he feels a little better. A little lighter. Like something in his chest has cracked open letting the light in.

“So, how’s the neighbours? Made any new friends?” she asks with a little hint of curiosity to her voice.

“It’s okay I guess. There is this gym I’m going to and I guess the owner of it is quite nice? Tyler. His name is Tyler and he’s just-something,” Harry chuckles, remembering Tyler’s pink hair and outrageously bright jumpers. “He’s just funny and very flamboyant, you have to see for yourself though, he’s just very bright. There is Martha too. She doesn’t talk much. Actually all she ever says are these quotes that get stuck in my head for days, but she listens. Sometimes after I finish with my workout, I talk to her. She’s nice,” Harry shrugs. He leans back on the sofa placing his feet on the coffee table. It seems like it has stopped raining too.

“They sound lovely, I look forward to seeing them,” Glenne says dreamily. “Anyone else?”

“There is this guy-“ Harry starts.

“Oh. A guy. Okay, I’m listening,” she interrupts, making Harry chuckle.

“Not like that Glen. I don’t even know his name and I have met him only once, actually twice, but it was the same day so it doesn’t really count-“

“Harry. You are blabbering,” she inserts clearly amused.

“Sorry. So I don’t- I have seen him couple of times when he goes to work. I don’t know what to think,” he concludes, sighing.

“Are you stalking him?” is the only question she manages to ask after hearing all the information.

“What?? No!” Harry practically shouts, “I just see him when I run, it’s not that- it’s not-“ 

“Relax H. I’m just teasing you,” she responds. “Is he cute?” she asks.

It makes Harry think of the first time he saw him. Of his impossibly blue eyes and disheveled hair. Of his oversized hoodie and shorts hiding his small frame. His small cold hands in comparison to Harry’s and the shopping cart full of coco pops.

“Yes,” Harry simply says, smiling at the memory.

“Is he gay?” she asks, curious.

“How I suppose to know it? I have met him just  _ once _ ,” he explains, rolling his eyes. 

“I thought you can sense it, you know-“ she says, sounding a little sheepish.

“What do you think we are? It’s not like we walk around with some kind of scent that signals  _ I’m gay _ ,” Harry chuckles, shaking his head. He feels his cheeks hurt from too much smiling.

“Sorry. Clearly I have no clue about what it’s like,” she apologises, Harry can practically see her lifting her hand in defence. 

“Damn right you don’t,” Harry responds, sighing, “how I missed this,” he adds after a moment of silence.

“C’mon don’t go all sad on me, Styles,” she says, exhaling on the speaker.

“Sorry. I just miss you,” he continues, feeling the familiar hands of darkness reach out and slowly pull him in.

“I miss you too, but it doesn’t make me sad, I know I’ll see you soon,” she says in her calming voice. It’s like a beacon of light in the darkness, guiding Harry back.

“Yeah, you are right,” Harry sighs nodding, though he knows she can’t see him.

“Have you been to your mum’s yet?” she asks, trying to distract Harry.

“No. I know it’s been almost two weeks since I came here, but I can’t seem to make myself to go,” he explains, shrugging.

“Are you scared?”

“Scared?” Harry repeats. Terrified, more like. He is terrified of the feeling he’s going to get once he sees them. He’s terrified to see their faces, see the pity in their eyes. Maybe judgment too, because of the all he’s given away. “More than that,” he confesses. “I don’t want them to pity me-“

“Harry. Listen to yourself. They miss you. Don’t think that pity will be something that goes through their minds right now. Think about it,” Glenne says, and it seems so simple to just listen and believe that it could be different than what Harry expects.

“Okay,” he agrees, pushing the dark thoughts away.

“Go see them, H,” she says calmly. 

“I will. Thank you,” he responds, exhaling.

Harry knows they could talk for hours. He misses his best friend and every time she calls or texts he hates that there is a whole ocean between them, keeping them apart. It’s the worst feeling, wanting to just reach out and hug her close, but realising he can’t. They say their goodbyes and then Harry is left alone. Again.

It’s raining yet again. For a moment he thought that with his good mood the sunlight will come out too. He stares at the already familiar droplets on his window, Glenne’s words repeating at the back of his brain. He smiles, taking the phone and approaching the window.  _ Give them something to talk about. _

__   


_ ~ _

And that’s how Harry finds himself later driving down the road to his mother’s house. Thousands of thoughts still run through his mind. He’s scared, gripping the wheel of his car with his knuckles turning white. He keeps checking his phone for any sign that he should just turn around and go back. He can feel his throat get tighter as the distance between him and the house decreases. 

He allows himself a little breather when he parks in the front of the house. It seems ages ago since he last was here, the red brick house seems older, more worn off than he remembers. There are still flowers all around in every kind of colour, just as Harry remembers. The bushes he drove over has grown taller and thicker. He wonders if the old oak where he had his first kiss with their neighbor’s son is still there. He smiles at the memory and slowly climbs out of the car.

It has stopped raining. The ground beneath his boots feels soft, like it’s moving with him with every step and any moment it could open up and swallow his feet.

He manages to reach the front door without sinking into the mud. His slightly shaky hands reach out and press the bell button that’s almost hidden by ivy leaves that has taken over majority of the front of the building. 

He can hear the familiar ring of the bell inside. Can hear someone’s footsteps coming towards the door.

“Harry!” his mother exclaims as soon as she opens the door and sees him.

“Mom,” Harry half whispers just as she pulls him in the hug.

“My baby,” she says, sniffling a little. Harry can feel her arms tighten around his body. 

He relaxes into her arms and for a moment he feels like all that has happened had just been a bad dream.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, holding onto her, hiding his face in her shoulder.

“No, no,” she says, drawing back, her arms coming to cup his cheeks. “You have nothing to feel sorry about,” she smiles reassuringly, her eyes shining.

Harry nods, not able to get any words out. If he thought that pity would be all he can see across his mother’s face, he was wrong. There is clearly love and care, and a bit of worry. Once again it makes Harry think of how unfair he has treated his family because of his bad days and those dark places his mind likes to take him to.

“I’m happy you are here,” she adds and takes him by the hand to guide him inside. Harry’s nostrils are filled with the scent of his childhood. He could recognise it anywhere, the smell of cinnamon and warm bread. 

“Hey Popstar,” Gemma shows up from the kitchen doorway, their cat Dusty in her hands.

“Hi,” Harry grins, happy to see her, she sets the cat on the floor and both of them crash into a hug. Harry has never felt so much at home. “So nice to see you still here,” he says, squeezing her tighter. He thought she would be back at Uni by now.

“No, had to wait till I see you,” she says, pulling away, “so you know when my graduation is,” she laughs, making Harry laugh.

Before he arrived he thought that everyone would be awkward around him, would treat him like some porcelain vase. This, this is nothing like that, everyone is just themselves and there is no tension as to what to say or do towards Harry and that only makes him happier, more at ease.

“And I thought I could skip it,” Harry jokes, earning a punch in his shoulder by Gemma.

“Don’t you dare, I know where you live,” she starts pointing at him, trying to look serious, “I’ll drag you to my graduation myself if I need to,” she continues, trying not to laugh but failing.

“Kids, dinner is ready,” Anne calls from behind them just as Harry thinks of a response to his sister. It does feel like the old times.

“I’ll go call Robin,” Gemma interjects, but Harry stops her.

“Can I? I have yet to see him,” Harry says, he sees her response on her face before the words are even out.

“He’s at the back, in the greenhouse,” she smiles and Harry makes his way back out. He walks around the house, the ground making squishing sounds with every step he makes. He can see the last of sun rays as it sets slowly behind the clouds. He hates how fast it turns dark in the winter time leaving everything gloomy and sad.

The old greenhouse comes into view as he rounds the corner and the door to it is open. He makes his way successfully avoiding the puddle of rain by its door.

“Robin?” Harry calls out as he steps inside.

“Over here,” he calls out and Harry sees a hand behind the first row of pots. He smiles, making his way over.

“Hi son,” he says, standing up and removing his gloves from where he’s been potting some seedlings.

“Hi,” Harry smiles, hugging him, “dinner’s ready, mom said to get you,” he adds, retreating.

“Yeah, I’m done for today anyway,” he says, looking at the pots. “How are you holding up?” he asks as they make their way outside.

“Getting there,” Harry shrugs averting his eyes at the darkening sky, few stars like a little fairy lights already decorating it.

“I’m just gonna tell you this,” Robin starts walking next to Harry, his wellies making heavy sounds with every step. “Do it on your own terms, remember that it’s your life you live not someone else’s and if anyone gives you shit about it, they don’t deserve you in their lives,” he continues. Despite the harsh words, his voice seems calm.

“Thank you,” Harry says, feeling Robin’s hand wrap around his shoulders and pulling him in.

They make their way inside and Harry feels the happiest he’s ever had since the accident. They exchange funny stories and memories over the dinner and as much as Harry didn’t want to leave and tried to postpone it, he does leave at some point. After they have exchanged goodbye hugs and promises to visit more Harry is sure to keep, he makes his way back. He feels happy and content, smile not even leaving his face when his head hits the pillow.

**10** **th** **of February, Manchester, UK**

Harry returns from his daily morning run when he sees her. He has seen the woman often returning to or leaving from the house where  _ the guy _ lives in. He slows down as he runs towards her, seeing her trying to balance about five shopping bags and a cake box in her hands while locking her car. One of the bags slips and falls on the pathway.

“It’s okay I’ll get it for you,” Harry offers when the woman sighs at the bag on the ground.

“Thank you,” she says, looking at him. She doesn’t seem to recognise him or if she does, she’s being polite. Harry likes her.

“No worries. Here,” he says, handing her the bag, she tries to take it unsuccessfully. “Do you need help?” he asks, gesturing at the bags.

“Please, that would be so nice of you,” she says, letting Harry take some of the bags. “My daughter has birthday this week, we are celebrating early as she’s going for a trip on her actual birthday,” she explains as they walk towards the house.

“That’s nice, where she’s going to?” Harry asks, keeping the conversation going and just being polite. He knows he must smell of sweat and isn’t in the best shape for long conversations, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

“She is going to New York. My son is going there for work-related things and just taking her with. She’s excited though, never been to States,” she says, a grin splits her face in excitement.

Harry can’t help but smile too. “It’s a great city, I’m sure she’ll love it,” Harry adds. It reminds him of his last time he was there. They had so much fun and the evening turned out perfect. He’ll never forget the conversation he had with Glenne and Jeff as they watched the river. It’s sad to think that he won’t be able to return there without thinking about happy days with Jeff. Now that he’s gone, his happy memories turn into sadness.

“You okay?” Her words bring him out of his thoughts, he looks at her questioning eyes.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s okay, I’m okay,” he responds, pushing his sad thoughts away.

“Thank you, I’ll take it from here,” she says, stopping at the door, “by the way I’m Johanna, you can call me Jay,” she adds, extending her hand, smiling.

“Okay… Jay,” Harry shakes her hand, “I’m Harry,” he smiles.

“Nice to meet you, Harry,” she grins and pulls him in a half-sided hug.

“My pleasure,” Harry responds, scrunching his nose, “Sorry I went for a run,” he apologises.

“Don’t worry about that, I’m a mother of seven, nothing’s new to me,” she laughs, and so does Harry. “Are  _ you _ new around here? I haven’t seen you around,” she asks, tilting her head.

“Not really, I just moved here few weeks ago, but I grew up not far away from here, so the area isn’t really that new to me,” Harry explains, finding it easy to talk to her.

“I see,” she says, looking at him curiously. “Well then, Harry, I won’t hold you any longer, thank you for your help,” she smiles once again.

“No problem,” Harry says, still lingering by the door when she walks inside, bringing bag-by-bag over the threshold. He waves bye once she’s done and goes on his way back to his house. The street feels empty but once he’s on his path he sees the familiar black Audi driving his way. He isn’t sure if he should wave to the guy or not, he also doesn’t want to seem rude so he waits until the car gets closer for the guy will notice him and he does, honking the horn and making Harry’s heart jump, but he grins despite it and waves back. And just when the car disappears from his earshot it falls quiet again. Just Harry, soft thuds of his running shoes and the wind blowing in his ears.

_ “Need you to keep me from falling apart..” _


	8. I’m all out of faith.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis meets Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't make this supper long. Just so you know for the next chapter it will be a little while.
> 
> As always all the love to my beta [Trisha](http://irretrishtible.tumblr.com/) !!
> 
> I have very nice trailer for this fic over [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/140211004319/harry-styles-world-famous-pop-star-living-a-lie) and some stuff i have forgotten to update [here](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/tagged/untainted/) .
> 
> Come say [Hi!](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com) if you want to.

**8** **th** **of February, Manchester, UK**

“And that’s why we want you to go,” James says and Louis is really trying to understand his words that seem to blur together. _Did he just? No. Wait. Is James really sending him to New York?_

“Wait. Can you repeat that?” Louis questions, gripping the armrest of the chair.

“Okay. We are working on expanding our real estate business outside UK as you know. As we expected, we do have someone who is interested. Mr Hampton is running one of the top real estate agencies in New York. That’s why we are sending you as our spokesperson. You know I trust you on this and we don’t have any other option,” James explains. He’s talking slowly and Louis is grateful because his brain has decided to hibernate today. _Fuck_. He hopes he hasn’t caught cold.

“Okay,” Louis slowly responds. He stares at James’ face just to see if he’s said the right thing, gauging his reaction. So far, so good.

“Okay?” James asks, “that’s your answer?” He adds, lifting his thick brows.

“Yeah,” Louis nods, unable to keep the track of the conversation.

James sighs. Did he just say something wrong? Louis looks at him, puzzled.

“You don’t have any questions? You are fine just going like that?” James asks, tilting his head.

“I’m really sorry James, I know I should be more appreciative of this offer, but I think I’m getting colds,” Louis explains. “I’m really grateful though, I’m sure I’ll have a lot of questions, I just need time to process this,” Louis shrugs. He does feel a little bad though.

“As long as you don’t say ‘no’ I’m happy. I couldn’t imagine sending anyone other than you, Louis. I count on you,” James says, his expression softening. “If it helps, you can take today off. Just so you can fight off the colds and be able to travel with no distractions,” he adds.

“I won’t let you down, James. You can count on me and thanks, I’ll get back to you when I have processed this,” Louis smiles, thankful.

They nod their heads as goodbye and Louis exits the office. His head is still spinning from all the information and he can feel the annoying itch in his throat. He grabs all the stuff he needs from his office and leaves a note to Niall before he goes home. Once he is in his car he sends a text to his mother, “Coming home. Good news. I think I caught a cold. :(“

~

“And you call your colds good news?” His mother asks him as soon as he walks through the door. She greets him with a bowl of her special soup that Louis knows too well.

“You read it wrong. Colds definitely isn’t the good news, unless I was being sarcastic, but not this time,” Louis tries to joke.

“Sit,” Jay says simply and Louis does just that.

His nostrils are filled with the smell of bullion and he sighs. As much as he didn’t like the thought of living with his mother at the start, it isn’t really that bad when you’re sick.

“What’s the good news?” She asks once Louis has taken a few sips.

“Harris estates are expanding to States,” Louis starts, gulping down the soup. He already feels a little better and at least his head feels clearer now.

“That’s great news!” His mother exclaims, happiness written on her face.

“James is sending me to New York as a spokesperson for the company,” he adds, feeling the hot liquid travel down his throat.

Jay grins, nodding. Louis can practically see her holding herself back from just approaching him and enveloping him into hug. That is until Louis will tell when he is leaving.

“James wants me to go next week. Monday to be exact,” Louis says, closing his eyes, trying to keep in mind his mother’s happy face.

“What?” she exclaims. Louis opens his eyes to see her deflate.

“I’m sorry mom. I know it’s Lottie’s Birthday, but there’s nothing I can do. It’s important for the agency,” Louis explains, feeling guilty.

“I understand, but it’s her _eighteenth_ birthday, Louis, you don’t just turn eighteen every birthday. And she was so excited of us all being together this year,” Jay says and her words pull at Louis heart and making him feel sad that he is going to disappoint his family once again. As happy as he felt knowing how good an opportunity it is for him, he's starting to regret having said 'yes,' to James' offer. It feels like he's made the wrong decision.

“I’m sorry,” Louis whispers, hanging his head. He doesn’t feel like eating anymore.

“I’m happy for you, but I wish you could find a way to be there still. Maybe you could take a late flight?” she says, approaching Louis and caressing his head. “Make sure you let her know,” Jay adds and walks out from the kitchen leaving Louis alone.

“Shit,” he curses under his breath and stands from the stool, placing his bowl in the sink. “Shit.”

**9** **th** **of February, Manchester, UK**

Louis blows his nose once he enters the hallway of his mother’s house. He feels giddy and little afraid of the reaction he’s going to get; remembering how his mother took the news of him going away on the week when his sister is turning 18. He has a surprise up his sleeve this time and he prays that it will turn everything around. Simply because of today’s news, he didn’t tell his sister that he’s not going to be here for her birthday.

“Mom?” Louis calls out, making his way to the kitchen. She is not there. He hears voices coming through from the living room and he makes his way there. He finds that everyone’s there.

“Hi darling,” his mother greets him happily, with Lottie squished next to her.

“Hello,” he grins, looking around the room. _Great_. Now everyone will hear his news; and if he fails, he is going to be hated by everyone. “I’ve got something to tell you,” Louis says, gesturing at Lottie. He can’t help but notice how fast Jay’s head snaps to his direction from where she’s watching TV.

“Just me?” Lottie asks, tilting her blonde head.

“Yeah, it’s your birthday isn’t it?” Louis asks, jokingly. She nods; her eyes lighting up. “Okay,” Louis starts taking the spot in the arm chair next to her side. Everyone else seems to be doing something else;minding their own business or watching TV, but he knows they are listening. He knows his family too well. “I’m sorry to say this, but I won’t be here on your actual birthday, Lots,” he says, watching his sister’s face fall.

“What? Why?” she asks, pouting her lip. “I’m turning 18. You were supposed to take me out, Lou.”

“I know. I’m sorry, but James needs me in New York. I can’t say no to opportunity like that,” he says, gauging her reaction.

“It’s not fair,” says looking down at her hands on her lap.

“So I was wondering if you want to tag along?” he asks her. He can practically pinpoint the moment when everyone in the room holds their breath from the surprise.

Lottie’s head snaps up, her eyes wide. “What?” she says, her mouth hanging open.

“I’m going there for a week, I thought you could come too?” Louis says, wiggling his eyebrows.

Lottie looks at her mother, who’s still shocked from the news, but nodding as she breaks out from her own thoughts. That’s all that Lottie needs to attack Louis and tackle him into a hug.

“Thank you, thank you, thank youuu,” she shrieks from excitement and Louis can’t stop his own laugh from escaping. “Oh my God! I’m going to New York!” she shouts next to Louis’ ear.

“Yes you are,” Louis repeats, watching their mother watch them proudly, with a grin splitting her face.

“I’m going to New York!” she shouts again, making sure everyone hears.  She lets go of Louis and starts jumping in place, “Oh my God, I gotta pack!” She exclaims and stops jumping; with her eyes wide. Louis watches her for a second just standing there and then she bolts out of the room and disappears down the hallway.

“So that’s your plan? To take her away from all of us on her birthday so you wouldn’t be the one missing it?” Jay says, her grin fading.

“No, it’s not-“ Louis starts just as Lottie peeks her head back in the room.

“When are we going exactly?” she wonders, biting her lip to hide the grin.

“On Monday, bright and early,” he smiles, watching her nod and disappear again. He puts his attention back to his mother, “As I was saying, I thought we could still celebrate it together, it will be one day apart, but at least all of us together,” he smiles.

“Well, I guess that’s all we can do,” Jay says in thought, “I guess I better start arranging the cake for tomorrow,” she adds, standing up. Before she leaves she hugs Louis thanking him silently and proceeds with her task.

Louis smiles to himself leaning back in the armchair. He thought that his idea would turn out horrible, but it wasn’t. As it turns out, Lottie loves it and it will be a great adventure for both of them. For the first time he is actually excited to travel to the States. He won’t be alone, he’s gonna have his sister Lottie, and Niall by his side. He couldn’t have wished for better companions.

**10** **th** **of February, Manchester, UK**

Louis walks down the stairs and finds his mother running around, looking for something.

“I swear I left it there. Dan!” she calls out, practically running down the corridor.

Louis rolls his eyes. It’s too early for loud noises or anyone’s company. First thing’s first he needs to have his tea. He walks into the kitchen and slowly prepares his tea.

“I’m off to the shop, do you need anything?” Jay says as soon as she comes back and sees him making him almost jump.

Louis yawns scratching at his scalp. “What?” He looks at his mother puzzled.

“Shop? You need anything for your trip?” she repeats her question, accentuating every word.

“Hmm,” Louis thinks, though his brain is of no use yet. “No, I’m all good,” he smiles, reaching for his cup. When it touches his lips he realises it’s still empty.

“Okay, I’m off. See you later,” she says, grabbing her car keys.

Louis waves her bye and then she’s off. It falls quiet just like Louis likes in the mornings. Once the water boils, he prepares his tea and heads to the garden. He stops on the porch and takes a seat on the first step, and looks around the space in front of him. Every bush and grass is still covered with white frost and the sun isn’t that high up to melt it away. The back lawn in this time of the day looks like it was taken from a fairy tale. Everything seems calm and at peace. Louis can hear a dog barking somewhere in the distance and it makes him think about his house. How good it would have been if he had all this for himself. He would have these early, quiet mornings with no parents running around, or siblings talking too loud. He would be all by himself enjoying what he has.

“I guess it wasn’t meant to be,” he whispers to himself looking in his cup.

He finishes his tea silently; dreaming and wondering what New York will be like. He recalls things he needs to do once he gets to the office and things he needs to discuss with James. He is lucky that he only needs to meet up with Mr Hampton for three days and he can do whatever he wants to for the rest of the trip.

He goes back inside as the early morning cold starting to bite at his cheeks. He doesn’t want  his cold to get worse; not when he has a whole week in New York ahead.

~

He drives back later in the day. The streets are still quiet and he’s glad that he just needed to do a couple of things for work unlike his usual working day. As he goes near the driveway, he notices Harry’s figure walking off from what seems to have been his mother’s house. He looks at the guy wearing a dark beanie, gray T-shirt and shorts, with a pair of dark blue running shoes on his feet. He walks towards Louis and he can see a little of uncertainty written on Harry’s face. Louis just wants to wait and see if Harry would recognise him, but the way his long fingers fiddle with the fabric of his shorts while  he looks away hints that he is nervous?

Louis honks, making Harry jump a little. Despite that, he grins and waves to Louis. He does the same. As Louis passes him, Harry’s cheeks seem redder than before or the tint  just might be lingering from his run. He pulls up in front of his house and goes inside to find his mother unpacking the bags in the kitchen.

“Hi, what was that about?” he asks, curiously raising his brow.

“Hi darling, what was what?” she asks, turning around while holding a pineapple in one hand and milk in the other.

“Harry Styles?” he says, taking off his suit jacket and placing it on the back of a chair.

“Oh. Harry-“ she starts, looking at Louis; puzzled. “That nice lad helped me with the bags, such a gentleman,” she continues, a smile splitting her face.

“Right,” Louis smirks, looking at his mother who seems to have developed a crush.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she chuckles, noticing Louis expression. She finishes with the first bag and starts with the other still smiling, and Louis feels like he is interrupting something.

“Okay, I’ll go, leave you to it,” Louis says, feeling a little awkward. He felt the need to leave his mother alone, afraid that she would start gushing about Harry like a schoolgirl with crush. That’s something Louis would not survive, taking that he is nothing like Harry. His mother nods and without another word he makes his way upstairs.

~

After having a shower and changing out of his work clothes, Louis walks down the stairs and is surprised by weird noise that seems to be coming from the kitchen. He makes his way there and as he gets closer he realises it’s music playing and someone he knows very well is singing.

He walks into the kitchen to find his mother, Lottie and the younger twins. Jay is holding hands with Lottie as they dramatically sing  “Baby I’ll never leave if you keep holding me this way,“ while the twins clap and shriek from the theatre both of them make.

Louis watches them; confused and holding back a laugh - he just can’t help it. The voice on the record seems familiar too. They end the song acting like it’s a very heartbreaking story, Louis is just too amused by it to let them know he’s watching. The song ends, and in the short period of time it skips to next song, he clears his throat and both of them look at Louis.

“You are lucky it didn’t cross my mind to record it,” he chuckles.

“As much as I love you for taking me to New York, you know I would kill you, right?” Lottie threatens, pointing a finger at Louis; her cheeks turning crimson.

“Kids, watch your language,” Jay interjects.

“You tell her,” Louis says, looking at his mother for backup. “Anyway what was that?” He asks, already walking over to look at the iPhone that’s plugged into the speakers. He is more than surprised to see the familiar green eyes looking at him from the devices screen. “Oh-“ he says just as Lottie snaps the phone out of his hand. He looks at his mother and then at Lottie and bursts out laughing.

“Asshole,” Lottie grumbles and punches him in the shoulder.

“Louis!” His mother shouts as he tries to talk over the laugh unsuccessfully.

“It’s not me, she is the one swearing and hitting me,” he says, rubbing at the sore spot.

“It’s not nice, why can’t you be-“ she starts and Louis is quick to finish her sentence.

“-like Harry Styles?” He interjects.

“No! Why can’t you be more respectful to your sister,” she says, annoyed and rolling her eyes.

“I didn’t even do anything!” Louis says, lifting his arms in defense.

“You laughed, how is that nice?” Lottie says, pouting.

Louis thinks of a comeback, but he can’t quite shake off the feeling of laughing. Yeah, it was funny, but perhaps he took it too far. He still doesn’t see why they would be so upset about it and the slow song playing in the background doesn’t really help him feel better either.

“I’m sorry, Lots. I’m sorry, mom,” Louis sighs, biting his lip.

“I know you don’t mean it, but it will do,” Lottie mumbles, “you're lucky I’m still going with you to New York,” she adds and walks out of the kitchen.

“What?” Louis questions, looking at his mother who looks at him shaking her head. “I apologised didn’t I?” he adds, spreading his arms in confusion and walking out as well.

He grabs his jean jacket from the hanger near door and decides to go for a walk.

~

He’s been walking for maybe an hour now; passing other private homes as he realises that his feet have taken him to the coast of the nearby river. He takes the narrow trail that goes down the stream. As he walks, he remembers his childhood - how he and few neighbors would go over the summer or after school and jump into the river. He smiles at the memory, looking around for that exact place where the ground forms a little hill where a rope swing hangs from one of the branches of an old oak tree perched on top. Louis walks closer and realises that the swing is still being used and that kids must have made the steps up the tree to get higher. The hill doesn’t seem that high now though. Maybe because Louis has grown taller or it could have been beaten down as used over time. He decides to take a seat on old fallen branch next to the river and dwell in his memories a little. He doesn’t notice another figure just few meters from him until it moves in his peripheral and he looks its way.

Louis isn’t sure who the person is but he stands on the weirdly growing tree just above the river. The fact that his back turned to Louis and that the sun is shining at Louis’ eyes, don’t help one bit. The person squats and Louis heart skips a beat, thinking he is about to jump into ice cold water.

“Hey!” he shouts, standing up from his spot as the person on the tree sways, taken by surprise. Louis holds his breath. The person turns around, searching for the voice.

As Louis practically runs closer to the person, his turned face becomes clearer and clearer until Louis stops by the roots of the tree realising it’s Harry Styles.

“Please tell me you were not thinking of jumping in,” Louis breathes, leaning against the tree.

“Oh, hey,” Harry says, slowly walking towards Louis. His brown boots don’t seem to be the right footwear for climbing slippery trees above the rivers and Louis watches Harry’s steps with his heart in his throat. “The view is nice,” he adds, smiling.

Louis nods as Harry jumps down a few steps from where Louis is standing. He still didn’t answer Louis’ question.

“You come here often?” Harry asks, wiping his hands against his dark green jacket and arranges the same colour beanie.

“First time since very long, actually,” Louis says, shielding his eyes from the sun. “Spent most of my childhood here,” he adds. “How about you?”

“Don’t know how I even ended up here, but the place is nice,” Harry says, moving away from the spot and taking a seat on fallen tree.

“It is indeed,” Louis concludes, looking around.

They fall into silence, both of them just thinking of what to say. Louis came here not expecting to meet anyone. Rarely anyone knew about this place and for Harry to find it just like that… He can agree though; the place is nice, even if trees have yet to have leaves and are kind of naked this time of the year, it still has that late winter charm. The sun shines down on the brown, old leaves covering the ground and the water in the river seems almost golden. It’s sad, but beautiful at the same time.

“It’s a nice place to be with your thoughts,” Harry says, breaking the silence that has formed between them.

“Yeah. I like how quiet it is even if we are not that far from the city,” Louis says.

“Yeah, it’s nice,” Harry says.

Louis looks at Harry while he stares into the distance. He looks so calm and at peace, it makes Louis wonder what has brought him here. Is he here for a world tour? Because Louis can swear he read something about it somewhere or heard it on the radio. Maybe he is visiting somebody, or on holiday, but it sounds a little silly to come here on holiday if he could just be somewhere on a beach in Hawaii.

“Oh I forgot to thank you for helping my mum. So, thank you,” Louis says, fiddling with the insides of his pockets. He isn’t sure if he should shake Harry’s hand or not, or whether he should just go and leave him alone, after all Louis kind of interrupted him in the middle of something he has not received an answer to.

“No problem,” he smiles. “She’s a lovely lady,” he adds and shakes his head realising how weird that must have sounded.

“Yes, she is,” Louis chuckles at his words. “She is the strongest mother though. To go through three marriages and raise seven kids while at it, is truly admirable,” he says feeling proud.

“Really?” Harry questions, his eyes growing bigger.

“Yeah, I’ve been through it all with her,” Louis adds in thought.

“You are lucky to have each other then,” Harry says kicking leaves around with the tip of his boot.

Louis hums in agreement. As much as he didn’t like how worried his mother always was after his accident, he kind of gets it now. She’s been through so many heartbreaks and just everyday life when she had to think of how to raise and feed growing kids. She never thought that something like that could happen, no mother even knows what to expect from their children. And when the news of Louis accident hit the media, it broke her heart too. Louis own stubbornness hurt her. He was cold and gave everyone around him a hard time. That must have hurt when your own child tries to push you away. Louis made it even harder when he left without even explaining why.

“Very lucky,” Louis agrees and notes to himself to apologise to his mother once he gets home, maybe buy a bouquet of flowers on the way there. “I guess it wasn’t that hectic for you,” Louis says, trying to find the right words, he doesn’t want to upset him by saying the wrong thing.

“Nah, just one sister, though my mom married for the second time last year,” Harry says, his voice sounding light. Louis breathes in relief. “She’s been great too, everyone from the family really,” he adds with a smile, which Louis notices falter a little while Harry is in deep thought.

“It’s getting a little chilly. You staying or..” Louis says, taking slow steps towards the trail that leads back.

“No, it’s better if I go now otherwise I might get lost,” he chuckles, standing up and following Louis behind.

“As long as you have a phone with you, that’s impossible,” Louis says, following the trail down the stream, hearing Harry’s long strides behind him.

“That’s the thing, I don’t have it with me. It’s pure luck that you showed up,” he says from behind Louis like it wouldn’t be such big deal to wander around places with no maps or phone.

“You serious?” He wonders, turning his head to look if Harry is joking and now secretly laughs. He doesn’t notice the root in front of him and his feet catch behind it making him stumble forward.

“If you knock yourself out, it won’t be a big help you know,” he says, catching Louis by his wrist and steadying him. “I take it you don’t have phone with you as well,” he questions, smirking.

“I guess not,” Louis laughs, stepping over the root with Harry’s hand firm around his wrist. They spend a good two minutes just staring at each other, smiles etched on their faces. Harry’s hand seems to be burning through the fabric of Louis jacket. If someone would see, them Louis is sure it would look like they are holding hands. “I think I got it from here,” he says, breaking the staring contest. He feels his own cheeks burn hot as Harry lets go of him and takes a step back deciding to arrange his beanie and avert his eyes somewhere else.

"I'm Louis, by the way," Louis smiles, extending his arm. "Sorry if I come off rude, but we have met so many times over the span of few weeks and I guess I should just introduce myself," he adds chuckling.

"Harry. Nice to meet you Louis," Harry says, shaking his hand. "I can agree with that, though I guess it wasn't like you didn't know who I am," he adds, with a little smile. His tone is on the verge of sad not happy.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I should be an asshole and not introduce myself, so, nice to meet you too Harry," Louis says and his words make Harry smile wider and what seems like relief wash over him.

They proceed to their walk; Louis showing the way and Harry following close behind. Louis is taking extra care, watching where he goes after that. Soon enough they reach the dirt road that leads to the closest private homes. Harry walks next to Louis, the road wide enough for both of them to walk comfortably.

Louis doesn’t know what is it, but he feels weird. It’s not that the situation is weird or anything, it’s just something he can’t quite explain. He has hung out with quite a few men, it’s not like he and Harry _are_ hanging out, but it never felt like this. There’s just something about Harry and how he makes Louis feel that he can’t quite point out. It’s just a little curious because he doesn’t know much about him and he seems like a person who has a lot of secrets. He is mysterious. He is like one of those books in library you want to read, but can’t quite reach and you could just ask someone to get it for you, but you are afraid to, because you kind of love to admire things you can’t reach.

The thing is, he doesn’t even know where he lives, so he guesses he should start with that. After all he is showing Harry the way, he should know where he needs to get to. Though Louis figures he lives somewhere around his area, he can always play dumb.

“Do you at least know the address. It would be easier if I knew where you need to go to,” Louis asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Um yeah,” Harry says in thought. “I guess I’ll be fine once we reach the golf course,” he adds but his answer makes Louis feel like a deflated balloon.

_Very private, Harry is_. Louis thinks. He kind of expected that, or he should have if he didn’t. Being world famous has it’s cons, in this case being very private where he lives. It makes sense though, but at the same time, does Louis look so untrustworthy? Like. He hasn’t tried to get any information or pictures or questioned him. It makes Louis feel strange.

“Okay,” Louis half whispers. He almost wants to ask why he is so cautious, but he bites his tongue and keeps the question to himself.

They walk the rest of the way in silence. Harry seems to be lost in his head just as Louis is and it never changes from there. Harry may be physically close, but in his head he seems to be thousand miles away.

~

After parting ways at the golf course soon enough, Louis reaches his mother house. Once he goes for the doorknob he remembers about the flowers. He shrugs thinking that he’ll do it tomorrow. A simple sorry would be enough for now.

He walks in, hoping to find her in the kitchen. To his surprise she is there once again with Lottie, both of them preparing the food for tomorrow’s celebration. They don’t look too happy though.

“Heya,” he says, feeling a little weird. Both of them lift their gazes in unison, but don’t say a word. Louis sighs. “Look, I’m really sorry, I was acting like an asshole making fun. I understand it wasn’t funny at all and I was just walking and thinking and- I’m really sorry,” Louis says as sincerely as he can.

Jay looks at him for a long second and then at Lottie who slightly nods.

“Apology accepted,” Lottie says, holding back a smile. “It took you long enough,” she adds playfully.

“Yeah,” Louis agrees though he still wonders why they got so mad about an innocent joke.

He excuses himself after making sure everybody is fine and heads upstairs to his room. He feels a little tired and he guesses he should pack, but he can’t find the strength in him. Instead, he lays down in his bed and grabs the phone. He aimlessly scrolls through his twitter that seems to be filled with garbage as always. He doesn’t even know where all of those posts came from taking that he doesn’t follow much people. He checks his e-mail which is just like his twitter, filled with ads and promotional stuff. There’s also something that seems to be an invite to somewhere he doesn’t care to open and read. Instead he just selects them and sends them to the bin.

For a while he just swipes through his applications. Three swipes to the left, three swipes to the right, trying to think of something to do. He taps on his Google Chrome app opening it up and types in ‘Harry Styles’. He is just curious, okay? He doesn’t seem to be willing to talk much and Louis just needs to know why. The internet has a lot of answers. The thing is: how much of all that you can trust?

He switches to the News only tab. _And okay_ , that’s a lot of articles mentioning his name in the last 24 hours. It starts with **_“Harry Styles slams the rumours of being in St Bart’s, posts cryptic image on Instagram.”_ ** , **_“10 Things we will miss about Harry Styles while he’s on break.”_ ** , **_“Harry Styles to star in a movie.”_ ** , **_“Is Harry Styles really coming back?”_ ** and goes on and on. Most of them are basic tabloid articles, nothing important that would interest Louis.

He found out a few things, what piqued Louis interest was that Harry’s on a break. He adds “break” at the end of his name to make his search easier and most of what comes up is various articles of Harry Styles break-ups. The amount of them makes Louis feel uneasy. Any other person would probably find it okay; Harry Styles is just living like a rock star and using his fame as he wishes, but something doesn’t quite sit right with Louis. In the short moment Louis spent with him and as mysterious and closed off he was, he just didn’t seem to be _that_ kind of person. It’s like the Harry Styles portrayed in the media isn’t the same one he met. Like he is a brand: Harry Styles™.

He adds “going on break” instead. The first headline makes Louis sit up straight in his bed. It feels like a slap in his face, like somebody just pierced through his heart. **_“Harry Styles devastated after car accident takes his best friend.”_ ** Louis feels like its too difficult to breathe. How could he miss something like this? How didn’t he see it before? It makes sense now when Louis thinks. Harry must still be suffering from the loss of his friend. Louis can only imagine how that must have felt once he found out. He clicks open the article and as he reads through it he wishes that he didn’t. The headline itself doesn’t mention or make you think that Harry was involved, but he was. He was there with his friend.

“Oh God,” Louis whispers, covering his mouth as he reads on and it almost makes Louis feel sick. It also mentions Harry’s breakdown at his last concert and the decision to take a break after it. It’s just impossible to believe that somebody still would send Harry on the stage after something like that. He feels angry about such stupid thing. He wishes he could punch the person behind it.

After that he decides that it’s enough. Now, while he lays in his bed, he thinks about everything and it makes him regret all the searching part. He knows that the next time he will see Harry, he’ll know and it will make things awkward or tense and that scares Louis the most. Not because Louis would feel pity or anything, but because Louis simply understands how it is when everything you love gets taken away from you over the span of few days. They are the same, but at the same time, not really. One thing is for sure though: Louis understands the pain and devastation Harry is going through.

He falls asleep without even noticing and sleeps through the night with heavy feeling - much like guilt - in his chest.

**11th of February, Manchester, UK**

“Happy Birthday to youuuuuu!” Louis sings along with the rest of his family. Lottie sits in the middle of the long table they have set up, party hat on her head and pink cake in front of her. She grins wildly, looking at everyone, her hands clasped together in front of her chest.

“Make a wish!” Jay exclaims, overly happy and Louis thinks he might see a little shine from happy tears in her eye.

Lottie does just that. She looks around the table and her eyes land on Louis, she smiles closing her eyes and blows out the candles.

After that there are a lot of cake eating and talking and game playing that Louis can’t keep up with all of it. He would lie if he said that not once did Harry’s name struck his mind.

Yesterday was rough and this morning wasn’t that much better. He woke up from his own nightmare. He knew, even expected, that something disastrous like that would shake him up and his nightmares of his own accident would return. And as always he felt the need to get away. He could never stand any company after that, he felt the best being alone and that’s what he did. He went for a walk at 5am. By the time he returned, he could tolerate the fact that he is not going to be alone and that no one will let him be.So by the time the celebrations began, it was enough to get through it.

Now when he looks at everyone having a good time and enjoying themselves, he’s glad that he didn’t take it all away from Lottie. He is strong enough to not let his past interfere with his present. It’s almost admirable to Louis how different, and much stronger he’s become ever since that day, but it wasn’t easy. Just thinking that it’s nearly a month since Harry’s accident, he wonders if Harry is with someone or if he’s alone. Is someone there for him? Does he spend time with his family? It must be hard to live through everyday knowing that you can’t just call your friend now and hang out, his number might still be in his contacts and Louis wishes that he knew where Harry lives. He’d feel better knowing that Harry is alright.

“What or should I say _who_ has overtaken your mind?” Lottie asks, squeezing next to Louis.

“Nobody,” Louis lies, “just thinking of tomorrow. You ready? Everything packed?” He asks instead.

“Nearly there,” she laughs, arranging her party hat. “Today was great, tomorrow will be even greater,” she grins, placing her head on Louis’ shoulder.

“Yeah, after we survive the eight-hour flight,” Louis chuckles, shaking his head. He looks around hugging Lottie to his side and hopes once again that Harry isn’t alone.

_“There’s no way you can change the rolling tide, but I know, yes I know, that I’ll be fine”_


	9. Author's Note.

**Untainted is officially on hiatus. Some of you might have expected a new chapter, but it's not and it wont be for.... I don't even know for how long.**

**My plan is to complete this story in private (that is when I'll have time for it and get back my inspiration and excitement to write this particular piece) and then start posting for you all to read it. There's no date as of when and how long it will take, so I'm not making any promises.**

**I haven't forgotten about this story and wont, there's just a lot of things happening at the same time in my life and I need to get through them first and sort them out before I can get back to writing. **I will be completing this, but it's going to take some time so I hope you understand.****

That is all! Thank you to everyone who have read this and will be patiently waiting when I'm back. :) I love all of you and it means a lot that you take your time to read this dragged out story.

THANK YOU!! xxxx

(I'll be deleting this author's note when I post the new chapters)

 

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**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for getting this far.
> 
> Tumblr: [arrow-to-my-heart](http://arrow-to-my-heart.tumblr.com/)  
> Twitter: [arrow-to-my-heart](https://twitter.com/arrowtmheart) (for update notifs and mingling only)


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